Eating Disorder Recovery

Photo’s

I’ve woken up today with some sort of heaviness in me. I just want to cry or go back to sleep. My recovery motivation just isn’t there and already my mind is telling me that I can should skip lunch, it’s not that important. Lets just get back down to a number that feels ok, lets just lose weight till it all feels a little tolerable again. Is it always going to come back to this? When things are feeling hard, the only possible solution is to let the idea of restriction wrap itself around me? I’m tying to remember all the things that are important than the eating disorder though such as:

– My education
– Seeing Friends
– My Family
– A Future
– Beautiful Holidays
– Having Energy
– Being able to Laugh

It should be enough. Those reasons should be able to keep me focused, present and willing to continue fighting. Yet today all those things seem to matter less. And it’s not just today, this battle has been chipping away at me for a while, quietly so I never noticed that they were beginning to matter less or the disorder was getting louder.

It was last night when it hit me with a ferocity that had been absent for a while, and it was such a stupid thing to trigger it. In one of my classes this afternoon we have to take in a picture of us as a child although not exactly sure why. So I was hunting through photo albums last night and the first problem I had was actually finding one as I had destroyed many of the photos of me a while ago. Eventually I found some and all I could see when I looked at those pictures were a before and after. There were some from when I’m about 2/3 years old and all I can think is “nothing bad happened to you yet” to the later ones of me that just made me remember everything terrible that was going on at that point. I was looking at one from when I was about 6 and my eyes just look dead. I’m smiling but there is something missing from it. My heart wants to break for that kid and then I remember it’s me and I started looking for all the things that maybe made her to blame. And I couldn’t…all I could see was a kid. I feel sick and shattered and wondering how I am going to get through this afternoons class without falling apart, because that’s what I did last night? I got trapped in time, stuck living a loop of the past occasionally breaking out of it feeling as though I was being ripped in two before heading back in to it.

I’m not sure what I’m expecting from writing this. I think I just need to write for the sake of it, for the filter of harshness that it might bring. I don’t know.

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4 thoughts on “Photo’s

  1. Thank you for sharing about your struggles. I hope you find the strength to keep up the battle. But it’s totally okay to feel weak some days, or even longer than a few days – you cannot possible fight against something all the time, that’s just too straining. So don’t feel too discouraged when there are phases where you don’t see any progress, only stagnation or even steps backward – it is like a time of gathering strength to press on when you are up for it again! I would tell you that you can rely on God to give you strength, but I don’t know if you believe in God… It is, however, an experience I have made: that I have received supernatural strength when I had the feeling there was nothing left inside me, so it cannot possibly have come from my own motivation or whatever. I hope the same becomes true for you!

    1. Thank you for your encouragement and kindness. I think I always expect myself to be positive all the time and so find it difficult when I struggle, as though it isn’t allowed. I do have a faith in something bigger than myself but that faith isn’t quite as strong as it could be. Thanks again.

  2. When I look at photos from when I was little, I can see the same thing. Perhaps a smile at one point in my life, but there’s a clear distinction between the “before” and “after” photos. I kept all mine, though, mainly because I NEEDED to remember who that kid was. I was forgetting. I forgot. It took 3 years of EMDR to remember who I once was, to piece my life back together, to complete the puzzle.

    I had quite a few classes that were actually quite therapeutic. Perhaps this can be therapeutic for you?

    1. So much of my childhood is this big blank space, and sometimes I think it’s better that way. I know my mind is doing it’s best to protect me as much as it can. I’m not ready to go through it all yet or at least not in that environment. I need my worlds separate and in a way that I can prepare myself. Although a big part of this degree is about self-development and reflection and questioning what you believe and what you think. I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to happen this soon.

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