I’ve woken up today with some sort of heaviness in me. I just want to cry or go back to sleep. My recovery motivation just isn’t there and already my mind is telling me that I can should skip lunch, it’s not that important. Lets just get back down to a number that feels ok, lets just lose weight till it all feels a little tolerable again. Is it always going to come back to this? When things are feeling hard, the only possible solution is to let the idea of restriction wrap itself around me? I’m tying to remember all the things that are important than the eating disorder though such as:
– My education
– Seeing Friends
– My Family
– A Future
– Beautiful Holidays
– Having Energy
– Being able to Laugh
It should be enough. Those reasons should be able to keep me focused, present and willing to continue fighting. Yet today all those things seem to matter less. And it’s not just today, this battle has been chipping away at me for a while, quietly so I never noticed that they were beginning to matter less or the disorder was getting louder.
It was last night when it hit me with a ferocity that had been absent for a while, and it was such a stupid thing to trigger it. In one of my classes this afternoon we have to take in a picture of us as a child although not exactly sure why. So I was hunting through photo albums last night and the first problem I had was actually finding one as I had destroyed many of the photos of me a while ago. Eventually I found some and all I could see when I looked at those pictures were a before and after. There were some from when I’m about 2/3 years old and all I can think is “nothing bad happened to you yet” to the later ones of me that just made me remember everything terrible that was going on at that point. I was looking at one from when I was about 6 and my eyes just look dead. I’m smiling but there is something missing from it. My heart wants to break for that kid and then I remember it’s me and I started looking for all the things that maybe made her to blame. And I couldn’t…all I could see was a kid. I feel sick and shattered and wondering how I am going to get through this afternoons class without falling apart, because that’s what I did last night? I got trapped in time, stuck living a loop of the past occasionally breaking out of it feeling as though I was being ripped in two before heading back in to it.
I’m not sure what I’m expecting from writing this. I think I just need to write for the sake of it, for the filter of harshness that it might bring. I don’t know.