Ever have those days that just seem to start off kilter and don’t seem to get much better? It’s like you’re running round trying to frantically catch up and you can’t. It’s been one of those days. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t terrible and I seem to just fall in love with my course a little bit more every time I have a class and I adore that I’m learning again…it’s just there is this quiet little sadness in me and I don’t know how to verbalise that, or not let it rattle me. I have to keep moving, refusing to let my brain stop or linger for too long any introspective thought because all I want to do when that happens is to retreat, go find a corner where I can go and quietly cry until I go to sleep for a very long.
My CPN called me today after a week of missing each others calls and attempting to reschedule an appointment (which now has to be next week) to see what was going on. I tried to tell her that something isn’t right but she wanted specifics and I don’t have any. I can’t ever make her understand what I’m trying and failing to say.She kept trying to ask me if it was Uni, as though that’s the only thing it could be, me being overwhelmed by my timetable and I wanted to scream at her, “that bloody hell, that’s the only thing keeping me sane right now, it’s the only reason why I’m getting out of bed and putting myself through meal after meal, trying not to drown in all the self hate that is being flung at me constantly, every minute of every day.” But I couldn’t, partly because I was rushing to a class from a meeting and was feeling a little frazzled and didn’t really want to get into my personal life in the middle of the street. In the end I told her I’d be fine…and I will be. I always am somehow. I’m just so fed up of feeling like I have to keep everything inside at the moment. By the time I got to my class I was shaking because of anger or frustration and trying to keep the swearing at myself under control. I’m trying to be normal right?
I don’t know guys! I really don’t. Also I was thinking last night about the whole recovery thing. One of the things I’m expecting is someone to turn around and tell me that I wasn’t really ill. That I wasn’t anorexic, they made a mistake, it was obviously just a phase or diagnostic error. I’m not going anywhere with this thought though…it’s just something that I realised and couldn’t follow through on thinking about. Right I really should go get myself sorted and stop sitting here wallowing and moaning at you guys. Tomorrow I hope will be a better day. Have a nice night.