Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

Saturday morning thoughts.

These last few days have been hectic and I have been doing my best to take care of myself and attempt to hold on to some patience but it has not been easy. It seems that in order to do things that are good for me I have to shut down some part of my brain because if I don’t I cannot still the thoughts that tell me that it’s wrong, that I do no deserve or need it. The list of demands that I expect from myself continue to increase and I am trying to reign it in or at least give my body the body fuel that it requires. Yet I cannot escape the fact that by the end of the day I am beyond exhausted, and that’s when it sinks in, all the damage I have done to myself. I’m in my mid-twenties…I’m not supposed to be this tired. Sometimes that thought allows the motivation for recovery to filter through but other times all it does is ignite the despair and hopelessness, and yet I’m not allowed to let go of the hope because if I do that then nothing will move forward and I may as well be back in full-blown restriction mode doing nothing other than waiting to die.

Yesterday in therapy I came to the realisation though that at some point I’m going to have to call a truce between my mind and body. Each parts are going to have to stop hating each other so much if I am to move forward, because if I’m honest I am stuck. Staying in the same place that I have been at for months, telling myself, telling everyone that I am increasing my intake and gaining weight, and although that is true it is not fully coming through in reality. It is only when I was showed the chart yesterday of my weight since discharge that I saw how little progress physically I have been making. There have been ups and downs but nothing that ever really changes anything and I still have not made it back up to my target range, a range that I’ve been trying to get back to since my discharge back in January. My therapist pointed out that if I was to go back on the ward it would probably only take two weeks to get back there and that makes me realise a little how still horribly limited my intake is.

I’m tired of this, of having it in my brain and it never going away, of it taking up space that could be used in a much better way. I’m sick to death of the rules, or the amount of times I say no to myself. I’m tired of going out to see friends, or for meetings and knowing that most of the time I cannot allow myself to eat anything and I can’t just eat because I want to, rather than it been because it’s a ‘meal-time’. All these limitations never used to bother me because there was no room to question it. That was just the way it was and I got used to it, felt safe with it and now it makes me sad. To think that I have wasted more than half my life on this and if I don’t do something drastic soon to change it than all I’m going to do is lose even more years. Yet this is where the problems start, how do you do it? I know how to do it, but I don’t know how to do it and live with it. Already the time between getting up and walking to the kettle in the morning seems to start a body hate campaign that only gets worse throughout the day, my body seeming to grow and expand. I feel uncomfortable all the time. I feel like filth and crap is filling me up, running through my veins and seeping out my skin.

A side note though is that I had a conversation with my mother. I told her that she was being unhelpful, that it was hard for me to watch what she is doing to herself. I told her I accept that she thinks she needs to lose weight and that that was not the issue but it was how she was doing it that bothered me. Did she not see that? I think she started to hear me but I guess time will tell. I’m not going away this weekend them because although I do have a lot of work to get done, more importantly I need to protect myself.


2 thoughts on “Saturday morning thoughts.

  1. BRAVO!!! I was smiling the entire time I read this.

    First off: Thank your feelings for being there. The anger, hurt, and shame. Thank your body for telling you about your pain whenever you eat or even go NEAR food. Appreciate it and validate it. It is real and it is YOURS! Your body is telling you what it needs- your job is to figure out how to translate that into actual words.

    Going inpatient is a big decision to make. Some people do it just to regain the weight… but then they’re discharged, go a few months and end up going back. I’ve seen it happen when I lived in the hospital system. I’ve seen the tears fall down the cheeks of girls and women (Never once a guy, though) who thought they had their eating disorders beat. I saw the shame and the guilt, the anger that they had to put their lives on hold YET AGAIN because they were forced into the hospital… and I saw hope drain from them as time went on. I saw them begin to think and accept “I’m never going to get better”. I wish I could show people the things I saw… that’s why I write, and that’s why I hope people can learn from my life and my mistakes and my experiences. Because I don’t want them to experience that KIND of shame. Other shames you can learn from… but that one? That one smells, tastes, and feels like complete defeat and total loss of everything.

    If you need to go inpatient, go inpatient. I will loudly cheer you on from the sidelines and shout encouragements along the way as I can. I’m not exactly “recovered”- I’m going inpatient myself (Hopefully for the last freaking TIME!) but THIS TIME… I’m going in with a plan. I’m planning each day. I’m planning my discharge. I’m planning my therapy. I’m planning what happens afterward… I’m planning on moving out of here as my current living situation is incredibly unhealthy for me. I’m planning on recovering because I don’t want to die.

    I think that’s what it boils down to: Can you make a plan? Can you say “If I do this, then this and this must happen if I’m to feel better”? Because you don’t want to just go into the hospital to gain weight, do you? I think that’s the real first step: making a plan to live. That is how you live with it. You say “Okay, Day One will look like this…” and you try to accommodate your plan as time goes on (Because obviously you don’t know what the future will bring). But you allow yourself room for plenty of mistakes and triumphs, allow yourself to learn and grow from them, and to love yourself for them regardless.

    Every time I purge, I hug myself and say “It’s okay… I will try again for dinner!” And sometimes I can go 4-8 days without using laxatives or purging by doing that! To FINALLY show myself some love, patience, and understanding as I’ve been needing it all along! THAT is how I live with recovery. To throw self hatred out the window and say “I’ve hated myself long enough. I want to live. I want to love.”

    GOOD JOB on setting some boundaries with your mother! That could NOT have been an easy thing to do. Strength doesn’t come all at once, it comes in breaths. It comes with one step at a time 🙂

    1. Thankyou. I know that frustration and shame of relapse so well that it does still sit inside of me. I was that girl brought into hospital time and time again, disappearing whilst everyone around me tried to make me want to live again. It never did work, that’s one thing I had to do myself. I’m not prepared to go inpatient again, not now (hopefully not ever) I can’t keep stopping and starting my life like that, it’s too much and it is soul-destroying. If I can do this on the outside than I will, I have a good therapist and doctor, I have an agreed BMI that if I reach I will not put up any resistance to going in but until it gets to that point I need to figure out how to be ok with myself. I don’t want to just spend my life losing and gaining weight, killing myself in the process. I want more! I want to be free! and that kindness I have to show myself is going to take some getting used to, but at least I’m open to it now. I’m not hell-bent on destruction. For now I’ll take that.

      We will get there one day and we’ll look back and wonder how we could have even hated ourselves so much in the first place. Keep writing, keep telling people your story and inspiring them. 🙂

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