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Gentler day.

This morning feels like I’m on the brink of something, on the boundary of falling apart or coming together. I need to work out a way to start containing myself and my emotions rather than letting them consume me. It has been a few days where I’ve felt like I’ve been swimming through fog and all it has done has turned up the eating disorder until there has been no space for anything else. It’s strange depression, how it fills up every fibre of you until it leaves you feeling almost paralysed. It’s as though it stops everything, there is a blackout in your personality and nothing else can be seen except for this hurt you feel somewhere inside of you but the vastness is so overwhelming that you cannot point it out and say that the pain is here or there, the origin stays unknown and unfathomable.

Yesterday after my appointment in the morning (where once again I failed to be able to fully articulate what is happening to me) I came home and did nothing. Work became unachievable as did moving off the couch. It was like I had slipped into some tornado and the only thing that could be hurled around was self hate. Recovery was hard, everything I ate seemed to come with the question of ‘should I purge this?’. It’s an odd question for me to ask myself because it isn’t something that I have done in a very long time and that last time I did do it I swore I would never do it again. My body stopped being able to handle the behaviour and mentally I do not want to be in the position again of waking up on the bathroom floor after blacking out from the sheer force of emptying my stomach, nor do I want the muscular pain that often accompanies the aftermath. Eating yesterday made me feel out of control and uncomfortable. I just thought that if I could stop eating, if there was no debate about what I was or wasn’t going to eat then maybe I would find some peace, after all wasn’t it so much easier when my diet was so restricted that I was even allowed to think?

Today I am understanding that no it wasn’t simpler. It was hell. My eating disorder was hell, and no matter what I’m going through right now, attempting to go through it with a starved body would be worse. I would become incapable again. I have to stop believing that this disorder was something more than it was. When it’s dark inside of me I have a tendency to romanticise my experience, I long for it as though it was some lover that was taken away from me before I had finished being in love. None of it is true. I walked away, I woke up and realised I hated it, that it was doing nothing but burning me from the inside out, killing me. This thing did not love me and it was not born to save me. It was not created with the intention of bringing anything positive into my life.

Things are slower today and I am trying to be kinder to myself. I have plans to leave the house, to see a friend which I hope will help. I’m not expecting anything great from myself, not willing to challenge anything at the moment. That’s ok because I don’t need to today. I think the key in recovery is knowing when to put the pressure on and force yourself to confront the fears and thoughts that push you back to the eating disorder, but also knowing when its ok to bring down the intensity and just eat whatever makes you feel comfortable without restriction and just get through one meal at a time.

Hope you have a beautiful day x

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2 thoughts on “Gentler day.

  1. I tend to romanticize my experience with anorexia, too. It’s evident in my writing of my experience with it. I describe myself as calm, beautiful, disciplined… because looking back, that’s all I care to remember. If I DO try to remember what it was like, as you said, it was hell. I couldn’t participate in school, all of my friends backed away from me, my family stopped inviting me over to their homes out of fear that something would happen (Or, perhaps, they just didn’t want me to bring my “negativity”). I was always cutting, always suicidal, and I was a physical and mental WRECK.

    The thing with my bulimia is that, every freaking day, I lie to myself and say that I will get back to anorexia TODAY. I will fast for breakfast, eat a small lunch, and a small dinner. Well… instead, I fast for breakfast, fast for lunch, and I binge and purge at dinner. For eleven years. I want to be thin again, but my body won’t let me. I want to be skeletal again, but as you so eloquently said, I don’t think I can live in a skeletal body again. I’ve done too much damage to my organs. My hair is thinning and my nails are extremely brittle. My bones are thin, my muscle has turned to fat because I can’t exercise. I’ve put on at LEAST 20-30 pounds of water weight… anorexia was NOT my friend, and bulimia is an outright suicide. Every day is absolute hell in my head, and simply functioning, earning a paycheck, keeping my car on the road, is NOT easy.

    Your words and your life continue to inspire and drive me. Please keep writing 🙂 I love reading your blog!

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