Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

Secrets

I have this secret that is keeping me here. I have tried to deny its existence, distracted myself with destruction and then attempted to forget. But it’s not that easy when something has been burnt in to the mind’s eye, when the sharp edge of the truth cuts into your tongue, the taste of the pain impossible to erase. I thought I could live with keeping it inside, and when that didn’t work I thought I could talk about it…but that didn’t work. Do you know what that’s like? To have this thing fluttering somewhere between your chest and throat, refusing to budge and so sometimes it feels that you can’t even breathe. Every week I get myself to therapy, and every week I sit there, wanting and not wanting at the same time to just get this out of me. It’s a strange relationship that people have with their secrets, how even when something is poisonous to us there is this unwillingness to let it go. Am I afraid of the reaction? Or am I just afraid that by putting words to this thing I am giving it more power? Maybe a little bit of both. You have this crap inside of you and it becomes familiar, manageable when it’s still slightly disfigured by the lack of light or focus and then someone asks you to wipe away the dust and look, and this little interest suddenly makes it seem so much bigger, how could you have not of noticed it all this time? And the more you focus on the whole picture, millions of a little images come flooding back to you, suddenly your secret has alleys and dead ends and underground roads that you never realised existed. It’s easy to get distracted then, to focus on the paths that only leads to dead ends. The thing is though that you like these paths, relieved almost that they appeared because it means you have more time to put off doing the thing you want and don’t want to do. Maybe that’s what happens, when it gets too close and there isn’t anywhere else to go I begin to crack. My behaviour gets erratic, my moods overwhelming and maybe…just maybe that’s why I begin to lose the weight again, force it back down so that it is that requires more attention right now. It’s a thought…

Like I said though, the secret keeps me, not the other way round. I wonder if will ever let me be free and whether I can be free without ever saying it out loud.

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9 thoughts on “Secrets

  1. First of all, I hope that you will be free some time! In whichever way it comes about… I’d think sharing the secret would be most helpful, but I may be wrong, especially as I obviously don’t know what it is. There may be other ways for you to discover.
    What I wanted to say is that, although I don’t have a “huge” secret, the topic of secrets and mystery somehow attracts me. Not in the sense of criminal mysteries, but the idea that I have something to hide – I don’t know, it’s as if that somehow made me special. Although I don’t even want it to be that way because I would like to be as open, sincere and “real” as possible. I know this is not the same as what you were talking about, it’s just what your entry made me think of. By the way, you use very expressice images, like the “alleys and dead ends and underground roads”.

    1. Thankyou for your thoughts. One day it might be able to be told, but not right now. Yet I do hope that should you need to at some point find it in yourself to talk about what you have to hide if it begins to mean you are no longer living the life that you want.

  2. Freedom comes in being free of the things that holds us captive. Strength comes when we are able to stand up to that thing. And, sometimes, you have to have some faith and perhaps a little bit of blind trust that it is all going to be okay, and just SAY IT. Like, when I first told my parents I was involved in a sex trade when I was a kid, they were watching television. I was talking to them and then, in the middle of my sentence, I told them what happened, and then continued on as if nothing happened at all. I was literally THAT scared of telling. Of course, their reactions affirmed my fear, but the fact that I had ANY strength at all to do it is telling of who I am.

    Don’t give it any more power. Don’t give it any more of your life. If you can’t tell the secret, then at least find a way to leave it in the past. Try to make amends. Try to make your world a better place for everyone because of what you’ve learned from it. Secrets don’t always have to be told… sometimes they’re learning opportunities that can make us better people if we are able to learn from them. And then, maybe, in time, we will feel safe enough to get it out (HOPEFULLY to positive and loving feedback!)

    1. You are incredibly brave. Just thought I’d let you know πŸ™‚

      I want to leave it behind and maybe one day when I stop hating myself so much about it I will be able to.

  3. BTW, have you heard of ABA? Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous. It’s a free phone support group that you can call in to every day. Go to http://www.aba12steps.org to find the phone number (And it IS free, btw, even if you live overseas) and times for the groups.

    Any help is more than what you had before πŸ™‚

    1. I’ve heard of it but there isn’t one anywhere near where I am. There is only one group available in the whole of the county related to eating disorders and it’s one that is in the same place as where I have treatment which I already sometimes go to.

      1. What I mean is that you can actually call a number- for free- and you can have a telephone conference with recovery people from all over the world. You don’t have to leave your house- you just need a phone and an hours’ worth of free time.

        Here is that number: 1.218.548.5378
        And here is the access code: 22657

        I love it. Daily support! It’s wonderful πŸ™‚

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