Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

It doesn’t make sense.

It’s official, induction week is over and I am now a first year undergrad. In my head I know I’m happy, this is what I’ve been fighting to get back to for the last 6 years and yet…

I feel sad, and terrible, as though my heart is breaking repeatedly, every single second of every day. The eating disorder is so loud and it just keeps screaming at me. I should be focusing on reading lists and all I can think of is that I’m pretty sure my stomach just doubled in size in the last five minutes. I don’t know if I’m eating enough or too much, if my body has enough fuel or it’s about to crash. I’m terrified of a crash…it’s always been one of my biggest fears, collapsing in public, and uni is not the space that I want to do it. There is something stopping me from engaging with the other students, I hold back, sit alone, the sheer volume of students magnifying every terrible thought and feeling inside of me. Of course I can’t tell anyone this, how do I explain that? This was the thing that was supposed to make me happy, my life is beginning to resemble the picture I had in my head and so I am not meant to be experiencing a level of sadness that I have not felt in such a long time. I don’t know how to be there, I don’t know how to still all the insecurities and I feel like if I make friends than my past will come out and just for once I don’t want to be the person with the mental health problems. I don’t want to be the sick one. I just want to be normal. Honestly it is so tempting to want to fling myself back into the arms of Anorexia right now, if it won’t make me safe than maybe at least it will make me stop hating myself so much. It’s all upside down, and I know it doesn’t help that I’m tired and stressed. And yes I do know that if I want this life, if I want to get my degree then I need a body that is strong and a mind that can focus…but right now I miss Anorexia more than I feel comfortable admitting.

I know I’ll be fine, it’s just all this is extremely inconvenient right now.

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3 thoughts on “It doesn’t make sense.

  1. I had this same feeling when I started school last semester at the very start of my recovery. I’m so sorry your feeling that sadness and loneliness, because I know how convincing our eating disorders can tell us that they can make those feelings go away. But I think maybe your feeling sadness because distancing ourselves from our eating disorders is like breaking up with someone…it’s a loss. and people are allowed to be sad from a loss. Like all bad breakups, in time, we do seem to somehow move on-maybe never forget, but move on. I see that moving on in your future. Stay strong and hopeful, your strength is inspiring. I hope you have a better day tomorrow =)

  2. I felt this way as well… you want to include yourself in events, you want to HAVE FUN and LET GO… you want to be viewed as normal and not as the sick person you’ve always been. And you realize you have only so long in which to do that. To have anxiety surrounding this is completely normal. Just keep in mind that your illness is not a choice. You’re sick, but that doesn’t mean you’re totally different and too out of touch with others. It just means your reality has been a little different from the “average” person’s. You weren’t given as much as they were given. Your choices were influenced by your fight to stay alive. Their choices are influenced by how good it makes them feel or how much fun they’re going to be having. That doesn’t mean you’re too far gone to be “one of them”. It means you must forgive and love yourself. Accept yourself for who you are.

    REALLY. That is the biggest thing I’ve learned in the last ten years. You can’t change who you are. Nor should you be expected to. You are perfect just as you are, sickness or no sickness. If you’re able to accept and love yourself for who you are, others will see that confidence, and people LOVE confidence. If they see someone slinking away all the time then they may not know how to approach you. They may WANT TO. Every time they see you they may want to walk up to you and say hello… but if you’re shutting down, then while you’re keeping all the bad stuff out, you’re not letting any of the good stuff in.

    You have a good handle on this. You have experience. How can you use that to your advantage? You been here before, they haven’t. How can you learn from your past to ensure a better future?

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