Eating Disorder Recovery

First day realisations.

Why I am I internally screaming? There is no need for it. I feel like my emotions are strung out and there is only so much I can tolerate right now. The first day of uni was good, the course sounds amazing, the tutors all seem really nice, and I’m sure once I get over this whole social anxiety that has seemed to have kicked into overdrive the other people on my course will be wonderful. I don’t know what it is, but I just felt…lonely today. I don’t think there is anything quite like being surrounded but hundreds of people and yet feeling as though you are existing in a different universe. It will be fine. Once the course actually starts and we move on from all the induction stuff and my brain can begin to get lost in learning, it will all be good.

There were moments when it felt so overwhelming that my response was to restrict, to contain something but I couldn’t…I realised I needed the energy more than I needed to starve myself. I’m going to allow myself to be proud of that moment. Then on the way home, it started to sink in a little more, I was exhausted and although I may be in recovery and reaching a healthier weight, I’m still not there. My body still needs to be stronger. I will not spend or miss the next 3 years because I’m just not present because my body is running on fumes rather than fuel. It doesn’t matter if I feel fat, or I hate myself, or feel like I can’t live with it…I cannot under ANY circumstances go back to wasting my body therefore wasting my life.

I was so close to not being overly triggered today and then of course the mother calls. She is nice and proud and so on…but does she really think I need to hear about how much weight she lost last night and how she has to lose double the amount next week…ffs! I’m starting to think she should come to a therapy appointment with me because this is getting too toxic to the point of me not feeling like I can even had a 5 minute conversation with her on the phone. I will think…because she will take it personally and be hurt and see it as some sort of betrayal. I don’t know.

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2 thoughts on “First day realisations.

  1. During the first 2 1/2 years of college, my depression was on the backburner. I was strong. I was determined… I was even happy. Really, I have NO idea where that energy came from! 24/7, I was happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Then… something happened. I started applying to 4 year schools (Since I was in a community college- I dropped out of high school and had to start there) and I was applying to 12 of them. THAT takes a TREMENDOUS amount of time and energy. From that point on my depression has been out of control and, as you said, I have been surrounded by hundreds but I may as well have been totally on my own. It lasted that way until I graduated. Now… I feel robbed of my years in college because they should have been wonderful, filled with love and happiness and fun and joy and energy. While the next school I went to WAS wonderful… I certainly didn’t have energy. I certainly wasn’t happy. The eating disorder took everything and left me with just enough to get by. My depression fueled my eating disorder, and the two fed themselves every day, taking whatever I had and leaving me with nothing.

    Are you able to live on campus? I know here, they have a separate dorm for older “non-traditional” students.
    I HIGHLY recommend setting some SERIOUS boundaries with your mother. I’ve been wanting to say this for a while now, but I didn’t want to upset you. Your mother is NOT healthy for you. AT ALL. If there is one piece of advice I’d give you- and I’m not even going to discuss your college experience- it would be to give as much space between you and your mother as you possibly can. She is NOT going to be conducive to your recovery and will give you EVERY reason in the book for staying sick. Don’t tell me she’s not being abusive in this way. She is. And so long as you continue having meals with her or looking to her for support, you will continue to be let down. She should NOT be bragging to her anorexic daughter about how she much lose X number of pounds this week and double the next!!!! REALLY, WHO DOES THAT!?

    UGH… I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. My own mother isn’t healthy for me, either, but in different ways. I’m sending you strength (Coming from me, I don’t have much, but take what I have to give) because you need all the help you can get if you’re to truly enjoy and thrive on the next 3 years. You will do wonderfully, but you need some really awesome support 🙂

    1. Thankyou 🙂

      I’ve wasted too much of my life giving into my mental health problems and I won’t let them take this from me again without a bloody good fight. All I want at the end of this is my degree, if I get more than that’s great but if I don’t, that’ll be ok.

      The campus’s here are not central, they are kind of scattered throughout the city in high-tower buildings. I wouldn’t want to live in one. I wouldn’t want to live with other people, I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve lived alone for nearly 7 years and I like it that way. I’m trying to set boundaries with my mother, but every time I plan in the distance I need…something comes along and kind of screws it up. Like next week I wasn’t going to be seeing her, and then we were visiting an aunt and my sister and her decided that we were all going back next weekend to stay for the night. I was ambushed, and now I am already stressing that I’m going to have to have two days of meals with them and with other family members. I don’t want to go but I can’t get out of it because then they’ll decide not to go and make me feel guilty about it…sorry rambling now.

      Is it terrible that I’m still waiting for her to give all this dieting stuff up because she at the moment she doesn’t even need to say anything, just seeing her and I’m triggered. Hmm…I don’t know.

      We will share strength, I will lean on you and you can lean right on back.

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