Why I am I internally screaming? There is no need for it. I feel like my emotions are strung out and there is only so much I can tolerate right now. The first day of uni was good, the course sounds amazing, the tutors all seem really nice, and I’m sure once I get over this whole social anxiety that has seemed to have kicked into overdrive the other people on my course will be wonderful. I don’t know what it is, but I just felt…lonely today. I don’t think there is anything quite like being surrounded but hundreds of people and yet feeling as though you are existing in a different universe. It will be fine. Once the course actually starts and we move on from all the induction stuff and my brain can begin to get lost in learning, it will all be good.
There were moments when it felt so overwhelming that my response was to restrict, to contain something but I couldn’t…I realised I needed the energy more than I needed to starve myself. I’m going to allow myself to be proud of that moment. Then on the way home, it started to sink in a little more, I was exhausted and although I may be in recovery and reaching a healthier weight, I’m still not there. My body still needs to be stronger. I will not spend or miss the next 3 years because I’m just not present because my body is running on fumes rather than fuel. It doesn’t matter if I feel fat, or I hate myself, or feel like I can’t live with it…I cannot under ANY circumstances go back to wasting my body therefore wasting my life.
I was so close to not being overly triggered today and then of course the mother calls. She is nice and proud and so on…but does she really think I need to hear about how much weight she lost last night and how she has to lose double the amount next week…ffs! I’m starting to think she should come to a therapy appointment with me because this is getting too toxic to the point of me not feeling like I can even had a 5 minute conversation with her on the phone. I will think…because she will take it personally and be hurt and see it as some sort of betrayal. I don’t know.