I am learning that sometimes I’m going to have to say no to things because protecting myself and taking care of myself is more important, for example today I decided it wasn’t wise for me to stay for dinner at my parents house. As you are probably aware from previous posts, my family and mainly my mother are not helpful in this whole recovery process. The day wasn’t going well, the plan was to go shopping because I had a lot of little things I wanted for starting University tomorrow as well as some food bits that I can only get in certain stores. I couldn’t find anything and the things that I did want were not in stock. So I was irritable to begin with. Lunchtime rolls around and I am having to contend with my mother’s ever-shrinking body and the constant talk today about how she is losing her hair and it’s probably due to stress…this is where I had to hold back and not just start screaming that it was more likely to be because of the fact that she is eating a ridiculous diet which I’m pretty sure is lacking in a lot of nutrients. When it came to actually choosing something to eat I just couldn’t decide, it was that deer in the headlights feeling at the supermarket and the one thing that I had had before and felt a little safe eating was of course out of stock. This is what happens when you fixate on one thing and have such a limited allowance on what you will or will not eat, when it falls through there is just you, in your mid-twenties resisting the urge to curl up in a ball and start crying in the produce section. After eventually convincing myself to get something it was a case of eating it, which was made harder by the fact that my family are not exactly patient, when it comes to eating there is an assumption that when they are done everybody is done. So I’m sat there in the car trying to force this lunch into me whilst my mum and sister just sit there, waiting…and then my mum starts banging on about how there are 9 calories in the sweet she’s eating. There is something seriously wrong going on there…part of me just wants to slip into her slimming club one night and mention the fact that she’s not even following the diet to the rep and let them call her up on it, but then that would be assuming that they give more of a shit about her than her money.
My sister had given up at the point anyway and had taken to staying in the car and then getting her boyfriend to come pick her up from some super-market car-park. Two frustrating hours later, and god knows how many shops I drop my mum at home, staying briefly for a coffee before heading home. Walking through my front door it felt like I could finally breathe.
I think I’m going to have to distance myself even more though because whenever I am there I can feel my recovery slipping down the drain, all the strength I have goes and I am just sat there convincing myself that I’m eating enough when I know I’m not.
So that was today.
Tomorrow I’m starting University and have I mentioned how bloody excited I am. I’m allowed to be now because it’s not going to fall apart. I’m not going to end up in hospital again or be to tired to even move. My body is getting stronger and so is my mind. This is what I’ve wanted for such a long time and I realise now when things are going well how much I actually gave up or turned my back on in favour of the eating disorder. I never want to make that mistake again…I don’t want my life to be all the things I wished it could have been rather than making it into what I want it to be.
That’s all for today guys. Hope you’re having a good night and will welcome all good thoughts sent my way in the hope of tomorrow being ok. x