Eating Disorder Recovery · Uncategorized

Moving forward.

There seems to have been something that has been clinging on to me for the last few weeks, the kind of sadness that feels like it’s putting so much pressure on your heart that as a result it’s simply going to give up and stop beating. I stopped wanting recovery. I stopped wanting the numbers to go up and my body to heal. Maybe then I could have had an explanation for why I felt so crappy…and if I’m honest, the whole reaction to seeing my mum getting weighed a couple of weeks back is still taking up space in the back of my mind. My appointment yesterday was hard. I sat there with the thoughts in my head screaming “I can’t tell you this. I can’t talk about it. The world will cease to exist if I put words to the things I have spent the last 15 years staying silent about.” By the time I got into the office, my eyes were burning with tears that I could not let out and I all I wanted was to go home to bed and stay there.

It hung around for the rest of the day, tipped everything a little off-balance until I finally got home where I could indulge in my misery. Who had I been trying to fool? How could I recover from not just this but from everything? I’m trying to restore something in my life but it’s something that I’ve never experienced. I don’t know what it means to be at peace with myself, nor do I know what it feels like to be content. The evidence for things not getting better is more concrete than the idea of them getting better, but for some reason I still persist. There was a conversation I had with myself last night which stopped me long enough to quit being pissed and acknowledge how far I’ve come. The idea that I would even make it to this year at one point would have been laughable. It’s true that recovery does not come naturally to me, there wasn’t a moment when I flung myself around the concept and held on for dear life, it came as a slow burn, so faint that it hasn’t been noticeable till I stopped. All those questions and frustrations of “Why am I not recovering? Why am I still letting this thing dictate my life?” finally had an answer. I am recovering, even on the days when it feels like I’m not, I still make the choice to get up and eat. I still make myself get dressed and leave the house and interact with other people. So what that I may not be as far as I want, or meeting the expectations that I put on myself, I’m still doing it. Last year there was no future, every time I got near the front door I fell in to a panic attack, my body was giving up, my mind had already given up and I was just waiting. That’s all I was doing last year…waiting for something that I had been hoping for since I was 14 years old. An ending. I remembered the last time I tried to end my life, how, had help broke down my door a couple of minutes later it would have been too late and they would not have been able to bring me back. Everyday since then I hated that they saved me, and hated them as well. I couldn’t see beyond them prolonging the hurt that I was going through. If I knew who those people were now I would thank them for giving me a chance to be better and to know happiness.

It’s been six years since I had to drop out of University, and six years since I have dared to entertain the idea of a future. I go back on Monday. I had lost hope and it didn’t matter how many people told me that I had promise, or so much going for me if I could just stop destroying myself. I haven’t quite stopped but I’m willing to give myself every chance that I have to succeed. That means leaving the disorder behind, as heart-breaking as that may feel right now. There is no other way, not for what I want, what I’ve always wanted…to be free.

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8 thoughts on “Moving forward.

  1. You’ve got this. You’re right there will be days when it feels like there’s nothing worth living for around the corner, but there is. There’s you and you deserve the best so give yourself the best. Good for you for taking baby steps. For daring to hope for a brighter future. I wish the best for you and will be following you on this life journey. I’m sorry for the hurt that you’ve gone through, the pain you feel every day, and I wish I could take away the root of it all.

  2. I listen to this podcast called “The Moth”. It is just people getting up and telling real life stories, sometimes entertaining, sometimes tragic. I just listened to the latest one about this guy who worked for a suicide hotline. He talked about her once tried but than right after had the most amazing moment of wonderment and beauty. He said he realized that yeah life is horrible and hard but in between those hard moments there are those perfect moments too and that is enough for him.

    It’s stuck with me all day because I’m plagued with suicidal thoughts every time my depression dips a little too low. The only thing I have to hold on to is knowing I will swing back up (being bipolar). Despite that it doesn’t make it easier to not wish my original attempt years and years ago would have succeeded and thereby not having to live through more years of pain and tragedy.

    But… I am really giving those words considerations. In the midst of depression it is so hard to even remember there are periodic nice moments in our lives but there are, things we can look back on that make us smile. That is what I’m going to do tonight and tomorrow and hopefully it will be enough to get me through this suicidal depression till I swing back up. Maybe you can do that too?

    Found it. Here is the link to the podcast I listened to if you think it might be worth listening too: http://themoth.org/posts/stories/perfect-moments

    1. Thankyou, I will have a listen to that. There is something about the human spirit which is astounding and that is the fact that despite pain we make ourselves get back up time and time again. I will not go back in to that completely consumed space of only wanting to die, and it’s not just because of moments in my past (there really aren’t many) but because of this possibility of a future and all the things that could happen. I hope you find a way to come through this depression, and that those reasons you have to smile are enough, but never forget that there are going to be a million more smiles in your life still to come. It’s not easy to stop wishing that previous attempts had worked especially when the hard times seem to become heavier, but maybe right now you don’t need to and it’s just about saying that “currently I am not going to attempt again. I’m not going to attempt today because I know I can get through. I can survive.” Sending good thoughts and don’t give in. Despite what I once believed, it does get better x

      1. Thank you so much for replying to my comment. I am fortunately not at the point of making plans or even wanting to die. I don’t want to die but the nature of my illness causes suicidal ideation to be a part of my regular thinking. I was so frustrated with this so looked up the symptoms of my specific type of bipolar and it says right there that one of them is suicidal ideation so yea, I get to have these thoughts for the rest of my life… oh joy.

        It doesn’t make it easier knowing they are just brain chemistry but know I will have them till I actually do die is sometimes harder than usual. It’s like my brain is betraying me and since emotions follow thinking… well, ugh.

      2. Try not to get too caught up on the symptoms of your disorder, just because they are present at the moment doesn’t mean that they always will be. Suicidal Ideation can equally be terrifying and comforting and dealing with those thoughts is a very personal response. For a long time I had tried to use the thought pattern of “I can always do it tomorrow, just not right now.” That delayed affect worked well for a while but it also meant that I could never put it away, so I had to change it to take suicide away as an option completely because if I hadn’t I think I would have been constantly drawn back to it.

        It’s not so much as your brain betraying you, but I think the thing with some mental health problems is that your mind is being pushed further than an “average” brain, it’s not resting as much and there is less predictability and maybe it just gets tired. I’m glad to hear that you aren’t at the point of wanting to die though, if those thoughts do come, you just hold on to everything that means something to you and remember they are just thoughts, they cannot hurt you.

  3. “I couldn’t see beyond them prolonging the hurt that I was going through.”

    WOW. I LOVE THAT. That is how I’ve felt about every hospital I’ve ever been to (Save Alcott) that, no, they aren’t helping me. I can’t be helped. They’re just prolonging my misery in the name of human decency. I still feel that way. I’m still pissed that I’m still alive.

    You have so much strength to even put your thoughts into words!!! The pain you experienced seeing your own mother do what she did but indeed be close to intolerable. She’s your mother! NOT your friend or peer. Mine acts as though what she does has no impact on me whatsoever. She acts without thinking and without apology because “it has nothing to do with me”. I wonder if your mom is doing that or something close to it…

    Keep writing, Day. Sorry I haven’t been in touch as much lately. I’ve just been so tired…

    1. I think she completely thinks that! She is entirely oblivious to how her actions could have any impact on me at all.
      It’s ok to be pissed that you’re still alive and even to hate that fact, but don’t let it burn so brightly that it doesn’t allow you to see anything else or be open to any other possible outcome.
      I hope you are feeling stronger soon πŸ™‚

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