I have this thing that when I get really tired or when I start to feel like my emotions are getting too big for me, I get rather hyper. I start talking nonsense about the most random crap that doesn’t even string together in any logical sense. Take for example today, I met with a friend before a group session and somehow we went from him starting to experience life again (he’s been inpatient for the last three years) to results from his Dad’s brain scans to forts. Yes forts! I was starting to cry, god knows why and so I needed to remove myself from that horrible little feeling and discuss the creatures that were going to defend our empire. Deep blue sea sharks, and that thing (which I can’t remember the name of now) from The Pirates of the Caribbean (octopus-y sea creature), flying zebra’s and we were discussing the possibility of house elves when I got called into the group. I’m not even into fantasy!
The group wasn’t much better and I just spent most of it calling up other people on their shit whilst refusing to really give any solid sentences as to what I’m going through myself. It’s easier isn’t it? To notice what everyone else is doing that’s destructive, to question it or confront it. Yet somehow we’ll do anything to convince ourselves that it does not apply to ourselves.
Tomorrow I have my appointment at the unit. I don’t know what I’m expecting and I don’t know what to say. I’m splintering at the moment and I’m not sure what’s real or not, where one thing ends and the other starts. Have you ever felt like that?
I think I may have to finish this post now, the tiredness and thinking is giving me far too much of a headache. Sorry for having a moan at you, I hope that the night is being a little bit decent to you.