I didn’t think I was going to get through the last couple of days, the thought of climbing into my bed and forcing my life to shut down again was rather tempting.
But you know what? I was like “Dude, you got shit to get done, go get it done!” And I did. I powered through so much yesterday and watched as my to-do list rapidly shrank. It felt good, and I know that I am just going to go pile a whole load back on this week and that’s ok. At the moment being productive and focused on something else is really helping me to manage my thoughts. I know that it’s not a long-term solution and sooner or later I am going to have to actually deal with everything that I am trying so hard not to think about. It shakes me up though, when I think about what it is that I have to confront. It seems so vast and overwhelming, the idea of being able to heal from it is just not comprehensible, it’s like there is this gaping wound in me that has scarred over whilst the infection still ravages away at my soul and body. In therapy that nasty little wound is starting to be irritated ever so slightly but am I ready to just hack away at it till it’s cleaned out? I don’t know.
Today I got out of the city and went to this seaside town with the most beautiful friend. It was wonderful to be able to share this place with her because it means a lot to me. My aunt lives there and for as long as I can remember it has been my escape place. There are so many weeks of my life that have been spent there, retreating from the world and my family, whole days sat on the beach staring out to the sea and realising just insignificant I am in comparison. When I’m there, it’s like nothing bad could ever touch me, there are no nightmares stalking my movements. The most wonderful thing today was that I could enjoy it! The last few times that I was there, it was hard for me. I had grown so tired and weak that I could not wander round the streets and into shops, and I could not sit on the beach because the north air was too cold for me, bleeding into my bones until I just wanted to cry. I hope one day that I will be strong enough again to walk along the cliff-tops from one town to the next.
Can I say that the Eating Disorder did not demand for its presence to be known? No…unfortunately I can’t. It is still there, trying to create havoc and force me back into a box. Will it ever leave me? Will I ever win? I want more than anything right now to wake up and to not think like this, to just not hate myself? There were so many people today, eating ice-cream and fish and chips and there is still that sense of confusion in me as to how they are doing that! How is possible to have those things and not want to destroy yourself? There will be a day when I hope I can know the answer to that. It was loud today…
But I’m ok.