A year ago I entered treatment. I walked in with eyes firmly shut, completely unprepared and having no idea how much it was going to change my life…and it did change me. It did (despite the bitching and moaning) start to save my life, or give me the fuel to save my own. As you’ve read things have been difficult for me lately, and too often I have been thinking or falsely remembering the safety I felt in full-blown eating disorder frame of mind. I needed inspiration this evening as to why I am still choosing the recovery path, especially after today when it is feeling too raw and painful for me to handle. I decided to look back over my journal of that time, to remind myself where it is that I came from. I just wanted to share some extracts of those first couple of days, maybe you are there? maybe you will see pieces of yourself and start to consider that things can start to change for yourself?
30th August 2012
I arrived on the EDU (eating disorders unit) not so long ago. People telling me I’ve made a brave and hard choice to come here. Where was the choice when I was given nothing but an ultimatum? Am I sounding bitter? I feel as though I’ve been played. I have seen a handful of other girls and my thoughts were right, I do not belong here. These thin, sick people are not like me. I do not belong in their world. Already my instincts are telling me this is all wrong. I should have taken my chances, called their bluff on their threats.
The clock tick towards a meal that I have no idea how I’m going to handle. Maybe that will be the thing that breaks me? I don’t know what’s left to be broken though. I’m exposed and I want to hide. I hate it here and I want to go home. I want none this to be happening. I don’t want to have ever had an eating disorder. I want things to be simple and a little bit easy. But it never happens does it? No! Does it fuck!
31st August 2012
There is so much food inside of me and I can feel it growing and expanding. I want it out of me. I want to run until it’s all gone, till I pass out. Till the thoughts in my head stop swirling around. It’s too noisy and I feel sick and horrible and I hate it all. I hate this eating crap. I can feel the fat crushing me. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to verbalise anything. I don’t want anyone in my head. Is there anything I can do? They are in control of my body but I don’t want them in my head. It’s too toxic. I feel angry about everything. Anger I am trying so hard to suppress. I don’t want to scream and shout or cry. I don’t want to be emotional. This isn’t hell, this is just wrong and I still believe I don’t belong here, they made a mistake. I’m not sick, not sick like these other girls. I don’t belong here, but I don’t belong out there, so technically I don’t belong anywhere. Maybe being dead? Maybe somewhere quiet? I want to go home and go to bed and just stay there, not eating or drinking until I don’t exist anymore. I’m not afraid to die if it was quick and quiet. I feel all twisted up inside and wrong. Always feeling wrong and I am so tired. Tired of people, of places, of life. I’m too young to be this tired. I’m trying…but I know I won’t beat this. It’s too big and so much stronger than me. They have no idea that I don’t dream anymore, that the eating disorder is the only thing stopping me from finishing it all. I am empty. I am cold inside. I know that.
What I know now is that my life is one big possibilities, filled in with millions of little ones. It doesn’t hurt to walk or move, or even breathe anymore. I am not desperately trying to block everything out all the time in an attempt to prove just how strong I am. My strength comes from not giving up, from letting people into my life and see me. There is a world now that I am not waiting to leave. Too often I can get fixated on the body and the changes and I lose sight of all the things I have discovered in the process of living, like how good it is to climb to the top of my favourite cliffs, or take random day trips, or have friends. It was such a miserable time and existence and it reminds me of how much I don’t want to back there.
So are we continuing with recovery?