I don’t trust my body. Is it getting stronger or am I just making it run on adrenaline? Am I nourishing it right or am I just refusing to see what is right in front of me? It’s getting harder to tell and it scares me a little. I want to be proud of how far I’ve come but I don’t want to be blind to the continued struggle.
For so long I have sat in one room or another and told the people listening to me that I never saw it coming. It happened whilst I was looking the other way, when I wasn’t paying attention. Only that isn’t true is it? I think we all see it coming but we close our eyes, let denial drag us under. It’s easier that way, simpler, it allows us to stay safe in the anorexia bubble which refuses to acknowledge that there our needs we have as human beings, because to not need shows that we are in control, that nothing is capable of hurting us. I have done this time and time again. Let myself fall like this. Deny that anything terrible happened. Deny that I had any sort of problem. Deny that I was depressed, suicidal. Deny my eating issues…and the biggest one of all was to deny that I was no longer coping, that I was beyond my capabilities of handling anything anymore. I got busy and threw myself into a million different things, thinking I could force it out with plans and schedules. I let myself get ill because I was too stubborn to admit that I wasn’t ok. I thought I was invincible and I see it beginning to happen. As the hours slip away in the day, I begin to convince myself that I need less to live.
Those weeks of increasing the meal plan has fallen to the side the last couple of days. Not massively, but enough to make me believe that it’s better this way. I can focus more because I’m not constantly thinking about how I just don’t want to eat anymore. My skin isn’t crawling as much, I can breathe a little better. Only it’s all bullshit isn’t it? How long till my body starts slowing down again, till the dizziness and that feeling of being on the verge of collapse come back? How long will it take for me to lose everything again this time? Because I will lose it. I can try and believe that I won’t, that I have it under control this time, won’t let it go too far…only I didn’t think I would last time, or the time before that.
Will I die still expecting and waiting for this disorder to come in and save me?
This is ridiculous. I need to stop it. I’ve had a productive day…a good day.
Tomorrow is the year anniversary since I went into treatment and I think it’s all playing on my mind. I guess I expected more from myself at this point. I never thought I’d get to this point…but I just thought that if I just committed it would happen, that I could snap myself out of this eating disorder, even though I know it doesn’t work like that, even though I would never say that to anyone else and believe it to be true…I expected it from myself.
I’m just so tired of fighting and digging into wounds that won’t heal. It’s making my heart hurt.