Last night I tried to give myself a pep talk when I realised my thoughts were heading into a dark place.
It’s been happening a lot. One single thought setting into motion a whole string of others that suddenly become out of control. I wanted to hurt myself, go back into the old familiarity of a pure physical pain that I understand, that will take the edge of the feelings that I cannot deal with, but then somehow it jumped to why don’t I just obliterate my entire self.
It was a big leap.
But when I started to actually talk to myself I had to admit that I was being a tad ridiculous.
If I wanted to hurt myself than why didn’t I could just go do that? Nobody would know. It would be a relief wouldn’t it? It would make this whole shitty situation go away. It would make me feel better.
Well…no it wouldn’t. It would not fix anything. Everything that felt wrong would still be exactly the same afterwards. And wasn’t the reason I was debating with myself in the first place was because I really didn’t want to do it? And if I didn’t want to eat, and I didn’t want recovery, then why didn’t I just stop. Discharge myself from treatment, crawl into a hole and never come out. I could walk away from all this at any point.
(It wasn’t the most inspired pep talk)
And I realised in that chat with myself that there is a choice in all this. I could leave it but would also be leaving the chance of a future. Things are crap but I don’t want to die anymore, surely that alone is pretty goddamn amazing?
By the time I went to bed I was feeling alright.
This morning I wasn’t so hot, and it was not helped by an unhelpful CPN.
But that’s a whole pile of crap that isn’t worth getting into…
Yet the day ended up being ok, went to a work thing and had such a good time editing and recording the new radio show that everything else just slipped away. I laughed so much, and then laughed for laughing so much. I loved it. It gives me hope, it always gives me bloody hope does laughing which is how I know that there is still something worth fighting for.
I hope you all had a day that had at least one smile in it. If not…I would tell you a joke but I have terrible timing and I’m just not that funny so there is always youtube…