At the moment it seems that everything is coming at a price and I am having to continuously ask myself ‘what do I want more?’ I would love to tell you that the positive side wins every time, that having energy, concentration and a promising future is enough to drag my head out of the crappiness of Anorexia…but that isn’t quite truthful. The are times that I want to be reduced to nothing, to have my emotions shut down, my brain function to decrease in the hope that it will limit the constant chatter in my head. The more real and present I become, the more I want to disappear.
It’s strange, there are days when my body aches or my heart palpitates and I cry out in frustration at myself for what I have done, and every time I swear that I will stop expecting the unsustainable of my body. I will treat it right if it just goes back to normal, if it would just allow me to be human again. That I would do anthing. Then there are days, when those moments of fear? or pain? are a little more distant and I am sat, feeling like an invasion is taking place in my body, or the intensity too intense and I beg that I will be better, that I will do anything what the eating disorder asks of me, if only it could take away those shitty thoughts and feelings. I believe that I am willing to give all of myself up again, because I think there is still a part of me that is expecting for it to still save me.
I should know better. I do know better.
I am tired of letting something as insignificant as a number define me. Forcing my body into a shape it’s not designed to be. Running myself into the ground over an ideal that does not exist. I had a belief, and I let that belief be my downfall, even though it was unrealistic and illogical. There is no judgement on my behalf when I meet somebody else as to whether or not they are good, or funny or caring based on the way they look or the body they house, so why do I do it to myself? What makes me think that I am so different that the rules do not apply to me? I wonder if it is because for a long time I could not even see myself as a human being, worthy of respect of love? Not from others and certainly not from myself. There is a lifetime of blame sitting on my body. It is too heavy, too draining to carry it round with me anymore.
The first light start to slip through since I have introduced the increases. Maybe it will last, change, grow and gather momentum, or maybe it will slip. But the light is there, so there must be hope. True? Despite everything, despite how much I moan and whine and consider myself done, I am still not prepared to give in. I’m not ready to walk out on my life again, not ready to surrender. There are all only so many chances in the world, only so many times my body will forgive me before it just doesn’t anymore.
So I am trying to be patient with myself, and if not patient than tolerant.