I’m finding it hard to write anything this morning. I don’t know how to tell you how I am because I’m not exactly sure. Sometimes when it gets like this I start to lose my words, not just on paper either, not just by being unable to construct the sentences to make anyone understand but stretching as far as my voice. My head starts to fog over, panic settles in when the questions of ‘how I am’ are asked. Usually at this point I make noises, just random noises of “meeeh” “fuhhhh”…ok I don’t know how to spell noises, but I think you get the point.
I wonder why I do this? Why I struggle to put a language to the terrible things inside of me, am I protecting myself? Protecting you? Or maybe I just begin to lack faith? Sometimes a little chain reaction of thoughts begin in my brain.
“I don’t know how I am” becomes “I’m suffocating here and I don’t know how to tell you.”
“Oh…well, I’m you know” becomes “You don’t really want to know”
“Well…yeah” becomes “Why are you even asking me, I KNOW that you will never understand”.
I create my own language, everything with its own meaning, with its own place, and then I wonder how I can get upset by people not getting what I’m going through when they don’t even know the language of the conversation we’re having.
And we have to have a conversation. Maybe that’s what I don’t like, the fact that I need to talk now if I want to recover. I cannot just take my pain or hate and inflict it upon the body. Cannot drive it all in to believing I can make the problem less by making myself less. Which was only highlighted yesterday when I saw a friend who was telling me that I didn’t know what it was like to be overweight, how much more you feel because there is more of you to be able to feel.
“It’s easy for you, being naturally petite (I’m not and no that’s not the eating disorder talking either), I didn’t know, not really, not the hate that comes from looking in a mirror and seeing someone fat.”
I stayed silent. Unable to articulate the relationship with the mirror, unable to make anyone understand what I see staring back at me. It’s the same over and over again, with family and friends and even my CPN.
I just want someone to see me right not, let me be this, let me own the feelings long enough to even see what they are without the need to cover, push or hide them.
I’ll leave you now whilst I go make more random noises in my head about all the things I can not say.
Have a good day.