Every morning I do something completely idiotic and stand on my scale, and I watch as the numbers go up. Which at the moment they are just constantly going on up! I am getting to the point of not being able to rationalise so much massive leaps in the number, past the point of trying to say that this “is only my body hanging on to the increase in diet and will not continue to go up like this”. These things I tell myself are no longer present this morning and as a result all I want to do is to unleash all the eating disordered thoughts and let them loose on my mind and body. I want it to swoop in and make the numbers go back down. Minimise how much space I take up in the world, turn down my presence, hollow out how solid I feel. I don’t want to be ill. I don’t want to lose everything that I have worked to gain, I just want it to stop so that my brain can catch up.
The questions come, can I just restrict for today? Can I take the day off now? Can I just lose a little? Till I’m comfortable, till I feel safe?
Obviously the answer should be no…obviously.
And yet. I’m feeling my skin crawl, the way my body feels different and I can see the stretch, the filling out and I am beginning to panic. A need to engage in destruction calls to me. It gets to this point when I begin to doubt whether I was even unwell at all. Maybe I made it all up in my head? Maybe it was never that bad? Maybe it got blown out of proportion?
So my many fucking maybes.
Slowly the thoughts have been filtering in over time, the ones that say “You will never escape. You don’t deserve to live. Hurt yourself, better yet kill yourself. It would be better for everyone. It would be better for you. Get it over with, get out now!”
I’m not sure what to do.
I’m feeling untethered.