There seems to have been a break in the whole mood battle today. I didn’t spend the morning in tears and I haven’t been battering myself senseless with all the self-hate either. This gap gave me the chance to stop being so narrow focused on one aspect of recovery, namely the weight gain. I have been able to see that it is about so much more than that. It’s about not feeling unwell, or shaky or distant. It’s about being able to enjoy the company of good friends, and cook dinner together whilst having a normal conversation and not being entirely fixated on the amount of calories that you’re about to consume. It’s about laughing, dreaming of beautiful places to see and being excited by a future that is entirely endless and full of possibilities.
I’m excited about my future, but somehow, to realise it, I am going to have to kick off the chains of the past. I’m going to have to be able to put it away, but at the moment I’m having to really look at it, probably for the first time without a million self-censors or blocking. It’s bloody horrendous, being that vulnerable (God I hate that word), but it needs to happen.
Not tonight though. Tonight I’m just going to try to be this present me, a person who has the potential now to be something more than a disaster. It’s exciting and terrifying and I have the opening to over-think this and re-tie myself up in knots. So I’m not going to. I’m just going to stop.
A good day at last. x