Admittedly I’ve been letting this Eating Disorder have complete control over my mood the last few days. It has been draining me, clinging on to every hateful thought I could think about myself and constantly multiplying it. I’ve wanted to cry mostly, or sleep and I can do neither. It’s been all rather self-pitying crap mostly. I think I’m worried about my brain going back to when it was a dangerous place.
It’s affecting my day in ways that I didn’t think it would, such as currently I’m working on a project that has some quite difficult personal stories to listen to, and have I once got emotional about it? Nope. Then yesterday happened, I wasn’t even doing anything that was about the brutal side of the history but just going through some old documents and photo’s. Out of nowhere, that was it, I wanted to retreat under the table, curl up in a ball and sob my heart out because humanity was devastating and people do terrible things to each other (I don’t think watching Django Unchained helped the faith either). It was so consuming that had it not been so crap, I probably would have laughed. These random outbreaks of emotion, mixed in with the need to find it hilarious has been not that present in my life lately. It’s unsettling.
So, last night I nearly quit this whole recovery thing, thought about getting the hell out of treatment, forcing my body into all sorts of constraints and restriction just so that I could shut everything out. I wanted to not feel anymore. At the time, it seemed like a reasonable response, the over-dramatization of just a few bad days. It’s not, like, breaking news. I didn’t do anything ridiculous, it’s just I thought there was enough distance between me and these intense mood and thought shifts.
This has kind of carried on throughout the day, the bad mood, the whole ‘I really dislike the world right now because it’s full of stupid people’ attitude, which isn’t me…ok, maybe it’s a little bit me, but only when there is a good enough reason. Either way, I’m not a fan of being like that, it doesn’t sit well with me and it uses up energy in a negative way that doesn’t do any good for anyone. I needed some time to re-shift the focus,to not be constantly thinking about eating and what it’s doing to my body, and what it all means on a mental level to allow and accept that I am trying to increase my weight, therefore my presence in this world. I’ve not had time but I am seeing that I am just reacting on a very basic level at the moment rather than considering why I’ve put myself through this last year to only just up and quit now. I’m nearly 25, which yes is still young, but I’ve thrown my life away on this disorder for over 14 years…and those 14 years were mostly miserable. I hated myself through all of that, and it’s only now, and maybe its related to this recovery or not, that I’m starting to be ok with myself. Do I want to lose all that because it temporarily hurts? When I know that it does get better than this if I just showed myself some compassion and patience, rather than beating myself up about it because it’s not happening and I’m not ok with it right now?
No, do I hell. I’m seriously not ok with not thinking I’m important enough or capable enough to see out this recovery. It’s going to hurt, it has to hurt…
…I’m having one of those moments when all you can think is (in a high-pitched shrieking voice) “shit it’s gonna hurt and I don’t want to do it but I have to do it, but I don’t want to do it. God it’s going to hurt, I want to hide…” and so on.
I should probably go now…because I fear I am beginning to make much sense.
Have a good night people x