There are some days I wake up close to crying and the heaviness sits on my chest and I know that the tears aren’t very far away, well, that why wouldn’t be if I allowed them to come. I have a problem with allowing myself to cry or let go in that way. I’m not sure whether it’s because I don’t like the idea of it making me feel vulnerable or whether I am afraid that once I start I would not know how to stop. Usually I don’t know where it comes from, but this morning it seems to come from a place of shame. Shame for all the things that I have eaten, for the snack that I seemed to have made and eaten in the middle of the night during one of my half-asleep wanderings that has been going on for months. I could try to rationalise it, say that it is my body telling me that I am still depriving it too much in the day and it is fighting to get the nutrition it needs any way that it can, which means when most of my defences are down and I’m not quite aware of what’s going on, but for some reason I can’t make myself quite believe that. Honestly it makes me want to stop taking my meds, therefore stop me from sleeping and letting this happen because I get up in the morning with a bigger hate for myself,or go back to a time when I refused to keep food in the house. This unscheduled eating is throwing me a lot. It’s making me want to restrict during the day, just in case it happens again.
Yet, to be where I want to be, to gain life and freedom from this eating disorder then the only thing I do by restricting is denying myself that option. I want to be positive and I need a sign that all this is normal, because those night wanderings are the closest thing I have to a time where I lose complete control. Is it normal? Does it go away? I’ve been in recovery for nearly a year now and still there is so much that I do not know. What I don’t want to do is freak out, go back to the pattern of eating well for a few days and then think I can now take it easy on myself, that I don’t have to put so much effort with my intake or meals. That I could drop to my safe foods for a while.
Then I think how stupid or pathetic that is. I mean it hasn’t even been a week since I vowed to work harder and stop giving into my anorexic thoughts. I have to do this, and not for anyone else or because I just need to. I have to do this because I want to do it. I know I’m capable of getting past this point if I just stayed with it. If I didn’t try to run from how uncomfortable I’m feeling. And there lies a big part of my problem, a need to keep everything at a safe distance. Emotions and thoughts pushed far back to some imaginary line outside the protective shell I have built around myself. Close enough to see them, but not close enough to really experience or own them. How much longer can I carry on expecting myself to just be a spectator to my own life rather than centre stage?
I don’t have any real answers this morning, only confused thoughts and emotions that conflict and a brain that is already feeling tired even though it is not even 7am.
I am trying to be hopeful that things will improve at some point today.