It’s not easy, or it hasn’t been easy these last few days with increasing my intake. Most of the time I feel like I’m heading into some kind of uncontrollable spin which is rather disorienting and not to mention making me feel unsafe. Physically it’s uncomfortable and it’s like I never stop eating! But you know what? That’s just the way it has to be at the moment. Nobody likes this part, when its time to gain weight, when you have to sit down again and again and make yourself eat whilst living through a rollercoaster of emotions and a voice that tells you to stop. Nope. You have to ignore the words that are sharper than knives piercing your skin, the ones you throw at yourself because you know which will hurt the most and still carry on. I think it’s working though. I have a little more energy, and I’m sleeping for an extra hour a night, focusing better on whatever it is I’m trying to do. It’s not as difficult to stay in the present either, but on that point, I’m not sure if it’s a good or a bad thing just yet.
The plan today is to stay focused and contain the feelings of things that are wrong (because eating and taking care of myself is not wrong). Aswell as trying to battle through an unnameable sadness too.
Have a good Monday.