Right. This is the third time today that I have tried to sit down and write a blog entry. It’s been a struggle to focus my mind, the tiredness has settled in my bones making me entirely useless. It’s not so much the food side that has been difficult, but my mood and the thoughts have been trying to drown me. It’s all been a little too much, a little too intense, with the volume turned up on everything just too goddamned loud. All I have wanted is to crawl under a layer of clothes and blankets, feel the heaviness of them in the hope that they may keep me here, make me stay grounded in the present instead of drifting into another time and place. It’s true that my defences are down at the moment, that despite how good my little world has become, something inexplicable still seems to reach into my heart and fill it with a dark cloud.
Wow! I just realised how dark I sound today. Believe it or not this is how I used to be all the time. Negative, pessimistic and simply consumed by an attitude that doesn’t want to care. I don’t want to be that person ever again, but I’m afraid that if I don’t get my mind re-focused soon it’s always a risk.
Maybe I’ll be more able to function better tomorrow, when my body has caught up with not doing anything and resting.