I was thinking last night that through this whole process of moving I haven’t actually been able to stop long enough to smile about it. There hasn’t been time, nor the energy either. Yet with most of the work did I did stop yesterday and I managed to just stop and smile and about it. About the fact that there is not the neighbour here to drive me insane, that I’m in a place where I’m settling in pretty well, and what’s more I’m finally living in a place that is safe, in a place that nothing bad has ever happened to me in. It’s like a weight has been lifted. For too long time the old house had been making me feel like a prisoner, trapped on repeat. Bad behaviours following epic meltdowns that echoed in every corner. By freeing myself of the environment, I feel that I can really begin to start to make peace with my body, and be thankful towards it for still going no matter how much crap I have thrown at it, for still working and seeing me through the physical pressure I’ve been putting it through by lifting and carrying.
Saying all that, my intake has taken a hit. I have never been able to get used to the idea that to do more, I need to fuel my body more. I think I may have completely taken my eye off recovery. It’s hard when I am stressed to accept food, not just because making time for it is difficult, but also because my own perception of myself manifests into something entirely different. I grow, my body softens and stretches. It is just an idea really, a perception which gets thrown up every now and again, I suppose being able to recognise it now is in itself a step forward, and a step further away from letting it hold power over me. And yet I’m also thinking, So what? If my body has changed, if the numbers do go up tomorrow, if I have a stomach the expands a little further than what it once was, so fucking what! It has absolutely no bearing on the person I am. The only thing that fixating on my body is going to achieve is…well, I don’t think it will achieve anything at this point.
My thoughts are a little dis-jointed this morning. I’m getting to a better place, I just need to have some time in order to let that happen un-interrupted.