It’s been days since I have written ANYTHING. Not on here, not in my journal, neither for the work that I do. I’ve been allowing my thoughts to gather in my mind like storm clouds, without a steady release that leads me away from self-combustion. I’m hoping this week I can get back to some sort of normality, get back into my morning yoga and routine. I need routine. My recovery and my eating disorder both despise chaos, it messes up both of them and all it leads me to feeling is completely out of control. I’ve been feeling ridiculously out of control, my eating habits have become hard to track, with meals at wrong times and snacks to keep me from passing out (moving is very physical I have learnt). I don’t know what impact that is having on my weight because I currently have no access to scales because I’ve either been with people or at my parents house. I want this to not matter, I want it to be ok that I don’t know but the truth is that I fear is driving me slowly insane and I worry that when I do stand on them and see the number go up I am going to freak out a little and automatically start restricting, without being able logically to talk myself out of it. I’m also worried about what will happen when I do stop, when the house is done, when my brain isn’t filled with everything else. Will I cope? Will I fall apart? Will all the thoughts I’ve been brushing away these last few days just overpower me?
I’m just this contained ball of anxiety at the moment and I do not want tot blow up.
So I’m just going to keep telling myself:
I want recovery. There is more to life than the eating disorder. A number means nothing. You ate more and the world didn’t end. You are working to gain weight. You want to be a little bit more weight-restored by the time you begin uni which is only a month away. It’s going to be ok. You are not your eating disorder. You can let it go.