A year ago I entered treatment. I walked in with eyes firmly shut, completely unprepared and having no idea how much it was going to change my life…and it did change me. It did (despite the bitching and moaning) start to save my life, or give me the fuel to save my own. As you’ve… Continue reading One year on.
I don’t trust my body. Is it getting stronger or am I just making it run on adrenaline? Am I nourishing it right or am I just refusing to see what is right in front of me? It’s getting harder to tell and it scares me a little. I want to be proud of how… Continue reading Denial
Last night I tried to give myself a pep talk when I realised my thoughts were heading into a dark place. It’s been happening a lot. One single thought setting into motion a whole string of others that suddenly become out of control. I wanted to hurt myself, go back into the old familiarity of… Continue reading Pep talk
I’m going to try not let the rage get away from me in this post. It was going well. So well!!! And then it felt like I was being slapped in the face repeatedly, and I know it’s probably an over reaction and I am still kicking myself as to why I thought it would… Continue reading It was going well…
Ever have those days when your thoughts race from one thought to the next? When your emotions jump from tragic to absolutely fine in a ridiculously short space of time? It’s been like that today. This morning was mildly productive for me in terms of getting some work done and yet there seemed to have… Continue reading Reflections of the day.
At the moment it seems that everything is coming at a price and I am having to continuously ask myself ‘what do I want more?’ I would love to tell you that the positive side wins every time, that having energy, concentration and a promising future is enough to drag my head out of the… Continue reading All for a belief
I’m finding it hard to write anything this morning. I don’t know how to tell you how I am because I’m not exactly sure. Sometimes when it gets like this I start to lose my words, not just on paper either, not just by being unable to construct the sentences to make anyone understand but… Continue reading Noises when words fail
Firstly I want to send apologies for yesterday. Some days it’s harder than others to continue this fight. I spent last night attempting to challenge the thoughts that seem to be ambushing me at the moment, all the ones that tell me the answer to my general feelings of wrongness could be fixed if I was… Continue reading A body is just a body.
Every morning I do something completely idiotic and stand on my scale, and I watch as the numbers go up. Which at the moment they are just constantly going on up! I am getting to the point of not being able to rationalise so much massive leaps in the number, past the point of trying… Continue reading Idiot
***Trigger Warning*** Apologies in advance, this post is rather long. The doctor looks at me, and I look away unable to meet his gaze, knowing that if I looked into his kind eyes I would break down. I lower my head, my face clouding over with shame and guilt. He is trying his best; he… Continue reading A Certain Type of Ending