I think I’ve been fooling myself into believing that I can do everything that has to be done whilst still holding on to a level of restriction. Tonight I think I’m starting to realise that I can’t. Not physically at least. My body hurts, my head hurts and because of all this my heart is beginning to hurt. This disorder, and the fact that it’s still in my life is shredding me to ribbons. Why is it never enough? Why am I never enough? Why can’t I just let this the hell go and move on?
I need to talk, and I need to get some perspective, I thought I would get some tonight…but I didn’t. For weeks I had put off going to the support group…yes I was busy, and yes people had put demands on my time, but I could have said no. I could have said “my recovery is more important than x,y or z.” Yet the overall need to dismiss this part of my life, or even my life in general kept winning. Tonight though I was definitely going to go, there were no more excuses, my behaviours were sliding and so were my thoughts. Justifications as to why I didn’t need certain things in my diet were/are becoming more pronounced. Yes. I was going. I left decorating the new house early and I got in my car, sat in 20 minutes of traffic jams and made it with 5 minutes to spare. I sat there, in the waiting room with nothing but noise in my head. That distant noise which stops you from focusing on anything that is happening right around you. My legs felt like jelly, my hands would not stop shaking and that feeling of collapsing was sitting heavily on me. I got up, walked out the front doors and drove back home. Feeling like an idiot, feeling alone and hating my body, firstly for being fat(?) then for not sustaining me. Which yes, I realise the two do not really fit together. I’m still trying to understand the logic that is behind how when I feel like crap mentally, my body suddenly swells and starts doubling/tripling in. size. How it doesn’t matter the situation I will always find a way to turn it round and land some sort of blame on my body.
I have so much that I have to do, and not just with the move, and it seems that no matter how many hours I put in, no matter how many lines I put through the items on my to-do list it does not get any smaller. So you know what? tonight I’m not going to even try. I am going to stop moving around, I am going to allow my body to rest, and my mind to switch off otherwise I will be useless and burnt out before this week is over.
In other news I finally threw out the book tonight. The book is something that still tied me to my eating disorder, a safety net filled with pictures, exercise regimes and every other negative thing possible. This is a big deal for me This is something that I had always refused to do, refused to let go because what if I wanted to get lost in my eating disorder again? What if I needed the lists of things that were safe or not to make me feel like an acceptable person again? What and who would I turn to if not the book? Throwing it out is like giving the power of my recovery a little bit of a kick up the butt and saying “nope, going back is not and never will be an option.”