I’m sorry guys, it seems like all I’m doing at the moment is having little rants at you because I can’t quite muster up the courage to have them in my real life. I don’t want to make this an angry blog that just is a long stream of woe me complaints.
I was having such a good day. I was motivated by recovery, my mood was pretty solid and I’m getting to put my love of organising to good use in preparation for the move. I spent the afternoon with my own personal cheerleader who never doubts my ability to kick this eating disorder out of my life for good, and who will also give me a good kick should I forget what I’m doing.
The problem is that I am staying my mothers tonight. Someone who has become (since starting slimming world) more triggering than any pro-ed site or trashy magazine. I’ve told you about this before, the behaviour, the comments, the complete ignorance, and for some reason expecting me to be proud of her for restricting her diet or missing a meal. I have been advised it would be a good idea to distance myself from her for now, because despite how many times I have tried to talk to her, it just isn’t getting through. Yet the remainder of this weekend and most of next week involves seeing her. An hour ago I nearly lost it. Like full-blown, two-year old temper tantrum in the kitchen, and all I wanted to do was scream at her “Do you not see how damaging this is to me? Do you not fucking hear yourself?”
I hate this whole diet culture, the industry that forces women to believe that they could be better, that if they were thinner all there dreams will come true. They’ll like themselves, accept themselves, stop waking up every morning blaming the mirror for why they hate themselves so much. At what point do people stop believing those lies?
So now, I’m sat in their living room, not able to be pissed at them because I start to feel guilty about the fact that they do do so much for me practically (whether I want them to or not) and I feel like a bitch for complaining…and all I want to do is get in my car and go home. But I can’t as we have to leave at 7am in the morning to go see my aunt (At the SEASIDE!!!, which I am excited about because I love that town). So you wonderful WordPress people get to hear the quiet little seething voices in my head that are trying to convince me to break things. Lucky. You.
Am I just creating drama where there is none? Or am I finally starting to hear my own needs and only want things that are good for my soul and health to surround me? Man, I feel like a spoilt brat right now. I was going to try validate that, but I can’t really. I’m tired of excuses.
At some point though I have this feeling that I am going to have to make a choice between my mother and my recovery. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to have both at this moment in time and I notice that at my parents house, I feel ashamed for needing food and I feel embarrassed about food and all it makes me want to do is restrict. That can’t happen. I have plans to go to Italy.
Ok…again, sorry for more complaining at you. Love x