Normally I like to write first thing in the morning. It sets me up for the day, clears out my head of unwanted thoughts that might otherwise bother me throughout the day. I love routine, and writing is part of that, after coffee and yoga. The only thing I got round to doing this morning was the coffee…and baking for colleagues.
I woke up out of sorts…and on the couch. You see, I’ve developed this little thing of at some point in the middle of the night I’m getting up and making a hot drink, either tea or hot chocolate. I take it back to bed and seemingly forget about it because it’s still there the next morning (I say seemingly because I never remember actually getting up, only when confronted with the evidence.) Last night I must have fallen asleep still holding the cup, because I briefly remember waking up and realising my bed was drenched. This morning…Hot chocolate everywhere. I’d also gotten changed, and stripped the bed (in the night). No recollection. This could be dangerous because I smoke as well and I wouldn’t put it past me to light up thinking I’m fully awake. I should go speak to my doctor, see about altering my sleep meds. The only problem is, is that I don’t sleep at all when I don’t take them, and I’m still getting up at 5am on them.
In other news I’m going to look at a new flat on Monday which is seriously exciting, and if I like it then I can sign that day. This is amazing simply because I have the worlds biggest ass of a neighbour. Also, I want it to be a new start. I don’t want to take any bad energy in to my new home. No self harming or damaging behaviours, nothing destructive. I need it to be a safe space. My current home isn’t.
So with all this, I am trying to stay focused on recovery. I need energy to move and to tackle everything else on my ever-growing to-do list next week. I’m trying to not look in mirrors, trying not to even think of my body. It’s going well, but I have been moving all day. I’m worried now though because I’m going to stop, thoughts don’t like me when I stop.
I think that’s enough ramblings, don’t you think? Ok. Have a good Friday!