I need to have a little rant right now because I’m not doing so great.
I’m tired…over-tired and a little bit emotional. For some reason all I’ve wanted to do all day is cry. I know that it’s just a bad day. I know that this won’t last forever. Yet my brain wants to go in a completely different direction like “Maybe the good days were a fluke, and maybe it’s the bad days which are actually the norm?”
My body image is down the toilet. I can’t bear it today. Can’t bear the number on the scale which seems to be climbing higher and higher every time I step on it, in a ridiculously uncontrolled way. I don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow and talk about this and get weighed and pull some positivity from me. I don’t want to have to be ok, or seem ok with the fact that I am gaining weight. Even though…I know that it’s what needs to happen.
I want to hide under layers and bury myself in brick and stone so daylight cannot reach me, so I will never be seen again. That is not a possibility.
Life is good though, in fact it’s great. I’m going to see a new flat tomorrow, and I’m getting ready for uni and the future is happening. This is my year and it’s all very exciting. So why does this horribleness keep rising up inside of me?
My mother doesn’t help.
She is still going ‘strong’ with her diet and the slimming club, and texted me with the results of last nights weigh in. A loss. This morning she rang to apologise for telling me, when she knows it doesn’t help, but she was so happy and excited. “Does it bother you? Did I upset you?”. Of course I told her no. What else could I say? it had already been said, it could not be taken back or erased from my mind. It didn’t really hurt till that point, and then it frickin hurt a lot. I remember that feeling of messed up joy when the scales went down, that pride, that sense of everything right with the world. Then it hurt all over again, when I realised that I would never be allowed to experience that again, that if I allowed myself to I would not stop. That set off the tears again. I miss it. Just that feeling.
I’m not equipped to cope with these emotions when I am so sleep deprived.