As each day passes, recovery is becoming more important to me. The seduction of losing myself in restriction gets less, and the need to get healthy and strong are over-taking the negativity that still resides somewhere inside of me.
Despite my initial hesitations about the weekend away with my mum and sister, I ended up having a wonderful time. It was good seeing my friend who is in rehab down there (alcohol addiction). H is doing well, finding some sort of peace within herself, and starting to put some of her demons to rest. It makes me happy to know this. In all the time I have known her, she has never been happy or even a little bit ok…and yet now, through pure hard work and a determination to change her life she is beginning to get better and take ownership of her recovery.
Spending that amount of time with my mother was going to be difficult for me because of how triggering she has become whilst on her slimming world diet. Yet she reigned it in, left some of the unhelpful behaviours and talk somewhere on the motorway. It was better this way because it was getting to the point where being around her was fuelling my desire to slip back into behaviours, when I was with her I wanted to restrict, and felt greedy and ashamed for having to eat, for needing to…It wasn’t enough to tell myself that her behaviours and thoughts had nothing to do with mine, that I could not control how she acted, but only how I reacted.
I’m not going to lie, food was a challenge. Having so little control, eating unknown foods with unknown nutritional information and eating at random times were all unsettling. Yet I know now, that it won’t always be that way, mostly because I don’t want it to be. The anxiety and stress has not overwhelmed me to the point where all I can think about it retreating, but rather fuelled the thing inside of me which beginning to unwind itself from the tangle of the disorder.
My weekend was good, and my life is getting better. There are so many more important things happening right now. “Nothing is more important than being thin”…BULL.SHIT. Everything is more important.
Motivation and empowerment all on track.