Randomly I feel like crying this morning, but I don’t know where it’s coming from. It seems I wake up as a different person, housing different thoughts and emotions everyday lately. It is very exhausting trying to keep up. Yet ever since I started to get better, it’s like I can’t say in my regular world that I’m struggling like crazy here, that my thoughts are over-powering. There is an expectation now, to be stronger and positive. There is no permission or time to let myself go to pieces. Which is probably a good thing as it sends me to extremes. Like, if I have work that I have to go do and it requires me to be around people, I don’t need to just be ok, I need to be ridiculously upbeat and friendly.
Some days though I want to just withdraw from the world and be alone and be me. I don’t want to be a cheerleader for recovery, and I don’t want to force myself to live in a world where every hour consists of a thousand little battles that I have to win, and keep winning. I want to gather up all the fragments of my life that are on display and force them back into a box where they can do no harm. But I can’t, can I? I guess I’m just feeling horrible exposed, with memories that creep in suddenly and leaving me feeling like someone has ripped the rug right out from underneath me. It leaves me breathless. I don’t like this.
And I’m sorry, but I can’t turn this into something positive today (at least not right now) because then I would feel that this post was pointless and I would just be giving what isn’t currently sat in my heart.