I feel like I need to bring back a sense of balance today. Yesterday got away from me. I bounced around being slightly hyper and detached, to random bouts of rage and I think ended up somewhere around sorrow by the end of the day. There seems to be a lot cropping up in my world right now, other people and a brain that seems to be getting lost in memories. Somehow I am going to have to begin to filter things out, surround myself with only things that are good for my soul and people who are not consumed by a war. I have to find a way to protect myself that does not have me crawling back into the hole of behaviours.
I am gaining. It is happening and it is scaring me a ridiculous amount. There is a big part of me that wants to just go “nope, don’t like this, not tolerating it, not doing it” but that is silly. Nothing terrible is going to happen, in truth, with the gain wonderful things will begin. When University starts I will have a mind that is ready to learn, that will have the fuel to think and question and a body that can sustain that. I will have my trip to ITALY!!! where I will wonder through small towns, look at beautiful sights and experience everything in full colour and not under that haze caused by restriction. A world is waiting for me and I don’t want to sit on the side lines. It’s wonderful to have dreams but I have had enough of only using my imagination, I want to make it all reality. There has been so many times that I have sat back and watched my life unravel before me, feeling powerless to do anything, as though the failings of my hopes where something beyond my control. And maybe they were at the time because I was so wrapped up in trying to deny everything, in trying to fake my way through life, not wanting to live and just wanting to get through it all, get through my existence as quickly as possible. I wanted to treat life like a plaster, rip if off hard and fast and it hurts less.
If my world falls apart. If I lose what I want, it will be on me. I know what I have to do, and I know that should I not succeed, then I have no-one to blame anymore but myself and my fear. I don’t want to go down like that. I’m better than that.