Often when I think about my recovery, I think of all the things that I have done and all the things that I still have to do in relation to weight gain/loss and consumption. I hope for the days when it gets easier, when there is less hesitation and the consideration of everything isn’t quite so overwhelming. I wait to get to target, to stare in the mirror and not hate the reflection. It is not that difficult to get wrapped up in meal plans, food and numbers. It is the thing before and through recovery that never really changes that much, the obsession that is all-consuming, even if you are trying to make that a positive obsession.
What I don’t think about is where I am now, and all the hundreds of changes that have already happened to me. Such as the fact that at the moment, I am ok. More than ok most of the time. Do you know how weird that is for me? I can smile longer, and when I laugh it’s not that hollow fake sound that has taken up most of my life. I’m starting to be fun to be around to, so much so that even I don’t mind hanging out with myself anymore. I can get lost in a story again, find myself trapped in a world that doesn’t exist, living between the pages of books. I don’t live in a silent bubble anymore either, or shut down or shut people out. I am beginning to trust, becoming a little less afraid that the ground underneath will shatter where I stand. I am learning that I am more than a body, but can see that my body does have needs and I try not to hate that but respect it. Recovery is waking me up as a person and a soul.
There is hope now, and a future that matters, and a kitchen floor that has not seen me curled up in tears for quite some time. This is everything. Settling into a head space and a mood that says “Hey you’re ok” is everything!