Everybody has that point in their life when they think to themselves “I am too exhausted to do this anymore”. It creeps in slowly and then suddenly it is upon us. We burn-out or check-out. We want to crawl into a hole and pray to some sort of God to make everything stand still for a second.
There is an exhaustion in my bones that makes me feel like I am splintering off into a thousand pieces that, when reassembled wouldn’t even probably look like a person anymore. This morning I sat on my couch, my eyes burning from sleep that never happened and sent up whispers of prayers to my God “Please make it go away! Please make it stop!”. What I should have been asking for was the strength to continue, for a better day than night, but at that point I was beyond reasoning or rational. At breakfast I sat crying into my bran flakes with some righteous conviction running through me that told me that everything that felt wrong to me was because of this meal in front of me (side note – I have bran flakes everyday, it is my least threatening meal). Things were not coming together this morning and the mirror was coaxing me into putting my fist through it (I didn’t). Somehow I managed to get dressed and get myself to the hospital. Sat in my appointment, the anxiety seemed to have taken over my body and despite my words, what I really wanted more than anything was to not be there, to not have to be in a chair talking about a problem and a history that I didn’t want to be real. I wanted to say “nope, don’t even want to try anymore. Don’t want to be positive.” Basically I wanted to act like a two-year old.
Luckily at some point in that appointment I stopped feeling sorry for myself long enough to shake it off. It may not feel like I’m getting anywhere at times, it may feel like I’m not getting better but it’s not truth. I need to do this, and just me saying that is something that I would never have been able to see this time last year. If I want a life where this day in and day out struggle doesn’t exist in the state that it does now, then I have to keep going. I have to stop allowing myself to be comfortable and keep (start?) challenging. Mostly though I have to stop my tendency to want to check out. I may be tired. I may want out and to not deal and pretend that it is happening but I cannot do that. I cannot quit on recovery, and I can not walk away from my life and then wonder why it isn’t a reflection on what I thought it should look like.
My afternoon got better, and after some quiet yoga in the woods my evening is seeming calmer. I am trying, attempting to stay present. This is all I can do, and right now this is all I need to do.