Eating Disorder Recovery

I will not miss…

Do you know what’s really hard? Staying pro-recovery and keeping a positive attitude when the numbers start to go up. I think it’s easier (not easy) to think that you can take on the eating disorder and win when you are not actually physically changing anything. That’s one of the more difficult things to learn, that in order to recover you actually have to gain the weight. You can’t tell yourself that you are getting better when you know you’re not. Realisations and epiphany’s of what you have been doing to your body and your life are wonderful, so is having the motivation to want to change that…but you have to put those thoughts into actions, how terrifying that may be.

And it can’t be just one meal that you challenge, and it can’t be just one day where you really put the effort in. It has to be everyday, without fail, without thinking that a successful day means that you can take it easy on yourself for the next couple of days. This illness is horrendous but if you want freedom from it then you can’t take a day off from recovery. It is an active process that you have to participate in constantly.

I have preached, and thought and realised so many things but they have sounded hollow to even my ears. It would be easy for me to panic now, to tell myself that I can lessen my portions and variety for the next few days just so I can stop this feeling of being out of control, just so I can feel a little safer…but I’m not going to.

So when I was thinking all of the above, it came to me that so often when I have tried to loosen the grasp of the eating disorder I have gotten lost in all the things I will miss about it, all that it has (falsely) offered me. I’m now trying to think of the things I won’t miss. Feel free to add your own to the list.

I will not miss:

  • Fainting
  • Dizzy spells
  • Ice cold baths
  • Sugar free jelly
  • Scaring my family
  • Scaring my friends
  • Trips to the hospital
  • Staying in the hospital
  • Tubes
  • Not being able to read
  • Not being able to write
  • Having my head filled with static
  • Feeling too much
  • Feeling nothing
  • Never being able to get warm
  • Hot chocolate that tastes like dirty water
  • Wasting my life at the gym, in front of the mirror or on the scale
  • Insomnia
  • Tiredness that’s beyond exhaustion
  • Waiting for my body to fail
  • Wanting to die and then waiting to die
  • Losing my mind
  • Random bouts of anger
  • Letting people down
  • Letting myself down
  • Not having dreams
  • Not seeing a future
  • Being afraid I’ll never be able to have children
  • Being afraid of myself
  • Not being able to drive
  • Not being strong enough to shower myself
  • Having no respect for myself

I could probably go on for a while…

Motivation restored!

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2 thoughts on “I will not miss…

  1. The only thing at this point that I know I won’t miss is the lack of cognitive ability, i.e., being able to read and understand technical conversations, etc.

    For me things like insomnia have become chronic so eating disorder or not, I still have that and some of the other stuff on the list like dizziness because I have low blood pressure. I should print this list out though and see if I can refute my thinking on some of the stuff. For example, instead of seeing that not being able to lie down on my back or sit comfortably because of bones sticking out as a positive I should find a way to change that into a more reality based thought.

    Thanks for posting this. I think it’s going to be a useful tool for me to use, even though you had done it for you. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. No worries love. Really it’s for everyone who thinks they can relate to it, and if they can find some way to use it as a tool to start to make their way out of the disorder than that’s fantastic. Thank-you for commenting. Keep fighting your fight ๐Ÿ™‚ x

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