Hard is too small a word to even begin to describe what it is I’m going through right now, but I know that I have no choice but to carry on going regardless. There is so much I want to do in life, too much that I want to experience and none of it can happen if I am hell-bent on clinging on to this disorder. It’s a weird one for me, this anticipation of the future as it’s never been something that’s shown an appearance in my life before. It changed somewhere in the middle of treatment, a blinding realisation that I no longer wanted my life to end, and not just that I didn’t want to kill myself in the most brutal way possible either.
When my body started to come out of starvation mode and my brain became alive for the first time in years, I felt overwhelmed and much like a raging teenager with all the hormonal mood swings in full force. It wasn’t pleasant and I truly believed it would push me further in to the arms of an early death, but strangely it woke me up to all these possibilities. I’m afraid to lose that, especially now when I have some weight to restore. Will it push me back in the other direction? Will it make me hate life again? Will I be able to tolerate, to cope and still be sure that I belong on this planet? But just like I worry that restoration will mean all those things, I know that if I don’t they are more likely to happen. Or I’ll shut down.
I’m trying to work on increasing my meals. After having talks with a couple of people over the last few days and being honest with them (and them being honest with me) it has made me question how I have been handling things. I mean, I knew my diet was getting worse, but I had been shrugging it off, filling the spaces with words (which I did believe at the time, even though putting them into action was not even a conceivable idea). It’s time to stop talking about all these things I’m going to do and just start doing them. No putting it off till the next meal, or the day after. I’m going to gain weight and I have to accept that as a fact, not continue to hide from it or delay it, but as something that needs to happen now!
Reasons why I have to continue the recovery path:
- I start University in September. I don’t want to have to drop out again. I want to have the energy to work my ass off to get my degree.
- ITALY!!! A trip with a beautiful friend when I get to a healthy weight (because there is no point going to Italy if you aren’t going to eat all the amazing food and have the strength to explore every nook and crannie).
- My car. I don’t want them to take away my license and tell me that I can’t drive again.
- I never want to go back into hospital.
- When my head is filled with eating disorder thoughts, I am seriously boring. I sound boring and irritating to myself (so I can’t imagine how other people put up with it) because all I am fixated on is weight and food and behaviours.
- Late nights.
- Voluntary work.
- Hiking in the woods.
- Long summer nights outside (if we ever gets some sun!)
- Singapore with another dear friend next summer.
- Basically I want to do everything that every other 20-something year old is doing, explore, experience, fall in and out of love.
Reasons to carry on losing weight and staying trapped in my eating disorder:
- Not a single idea why I would want to do that.
My bones are tired of Anorexia. It’s time to move on, to get off the scale, to stop living my life based on a number or a belief system that makes no sense. I have to get over that feeling that I’m out of control when I eat. There are going to be bad days, days when it’s undeniably uncomfortable and there are going to be days when I will probably be reduced to tears and hate myself and hate the mirror and possibly even hate the world. But it will be ok, one day this will all be ok. Truly and freely.
I am stronger than the thing attempting to destroy me.