Time and time again I come back to this feeling that sits in my chest and causes my brain to go into some kind of frenzied tornado. It’s the sense that I am not doing enough, that there is all this suffering happening, that people are locked in some sort of battle in their own minds and I am not saving them. I’m not sure why I feel that responsibility and I don’t know what makes me think I have the ability or even the right to be that person. But…I do.
Everyday a new cycle a happens, another girl/boy makes the decision not to eat today in the hope to lose a few pounds, a child will tell themselves for the first time that they are fat when they look in the mirror. A young woman will believe that for everything going wrong in her life, the only thing she can fix is the way her body feels under the pressure of her hands. Thousands will be given a diagnosis of some form of eating disorder, some will be going to their first day of treatment, others leaving after months of care. Many will be passing out in gyms all over the country, some will lay in hospital beds as the doctors try to push nutrition into a failing body. Today many will die because their body can no longer live under the strain, they will die, by their own hand or by the shutting down of internal organs. Everyday this is happening and how can I not, or anyone else for that matter feel compelled to do something.
It can be difficult though because you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped…and you certainly cannot save a person, only they can do that themselves. And there is the risk of course, that you will get lost in the worlds struggle and everything you have worked for will begin to slip, only you probably won’t notice until things have gotten further down the road than you would have liked.
As a person, as someone in recovery I have the desire to want to stop anyone stepping into the wonderland world of an eating disorder. But I also have a duty to myself that reminds me that if I start to ignore my own behaviours and thoughts than I run the risk of becoming one of those people trapped in the cycle. It’s a balancing exercise, one I am getting better at understanding. The thoughts will probably not slow down and I will still want to be the one that diverts the path away from the hell of an eating disorder for you, but I also know that sometimes a person needs to find out that they’re entirely alone and work out if they are going to make the decision to find the trail that leads back to life or if they’re just going to curl up and stay trapped in nowhere.