Yesterday was a hard day for me, it always is when I have a therapy appointment. All that focus on the self, attempting to comprehend the incomprehensible and then the weigh in. It leaves me feeling drained more often than not, sometimes I get the re-focus I need in order to make the changes to my diet that needs to be made, and yet at other times I get tired in my bones and want to lessen myself till I disappear.
I’m getting nervous you see? I’m watching the numbers go down and this anxiety is flaring up in my chest, screaming “NO! You are going to lose everything” and I am telling myself to stop it, that this can’t carry on, and that the gap between here and where I agreed to re-admit myself back into treatment is closing in. So, suddenly there is this urgency in my heart which means that I have to figure out quite soon what is driving this fear of weight gain and the eating disorder. In addition I need to get over this feeling of being a fraud. My eating disorder is not a phase, it is not something that I chose, it is not something that I can just turn off. I have to stop being so hard on myself with that. This whole “I don’t deserve help” “I’m not and never have been that thin” “I’m in control and I can stop at any time” thinking because it’s entirely unproductive.
I’m working on it. Yet I’m still not sure how much of this is all just talk until I actually see the numbers go up and be able to tolerate it.
“My life’s purpose is not to lose weight”
Anorexia is ridiculously complicated because not only is it about deceiving everybody else, the biggest deception that it creates is towards yourself. You don’t see how it has destroyed you until you are brave enough to start to come back. You don’t see the damage that makes itself visible to everyone but you. You cannot see you are sick, and that you could be killing yourself, and by the time you realise that little fact, it doesn’t matter anymore because death suddenly seems like the kindest outcome. There isn’t such a thing as ‘sick enough’ or ‘thin enough’ when it comes to getting help, you just have to believe that you are worth enough. And I realise believing that is like me asking you to believe that the sky could be anything but blue. Try anyway…