I’ve been thinking about those phrases that reflect on the self, such as “Be kind to yourself, or be good.” “Forgive yourself.” “Keep yourself safe”. I have heard these phrases for years but never really knew what they meant. How does someone show themselves kindness when the hate inside of them feels like it’s eating you alive? I think that’s a really difficult state to get to when your whole life has been about destroying the person you are, then changing that to think that we don’t actually need to do that.
Hard is changing the way you think, realising that you are not to blame and that something is happening or has happened that you did not cause, deserve or ask for. What makes that a challenge is that once you can admit that, you have to then recognise that there was this part of your life that you were not control in.
The kindest thing I ever did for myself was also the most excruciating. Going into treatment, facing up to my fears on a daily basis, trying to trust my body and forgive it and hope that in time it would forgive me back. I am learning to be good to myself, to quieten the thoughts that list all the reasons that I shouldn’t be. My body is mine. Not the eating disorders, and what it good for me, what will keep me safe is not listening to that voice which tells me not to eat. That voice is a lie and untrustworthy.
You have to stop seeing your body as the enemy or as nothing more than a space for you to engage in a war. The body is not the problem, and no matter how much you batter away at it, it will not take away what is hurting you from the inside. So today forgive yourself a little, don’t punish as hard, put a little of that hate away. Do something that serves yourself and not your disorder.