Eating Disorder Recovery

The war with my wardrobe

Let me first start by saying that I am not the most fashion forward person in the world no matter how much I want to be. It’s not through lack of trying but for some reason there is a lack of ability when it comes to translating a style I like on to myself. They just never seem to look right on my body or maybe it’s more to do with the lack of confidence I possess in my physicality. Yet that is just the beginning.

Every morning I spend a tremendous amount of energy choosing clothes and getting dressed. It is never a straight forward part of my day. I will pull dresses, jeans and jumpers and so on from my shelves, and piece by piece I will put them on and then discard them on the floor. At this point it has nothing to do with how the outfit works as a whole, but rather the image staring back at me in my mirror. I can’t deny that the only thing I am searching for is something that I do not look fat in.

But the thing is that I seem to be growing with each outfit, so by the end of this mini-ordeal I am triple the size I was when I first started and my self-esteem has dropped through a few layers of the earths crust. What is with that? In the end, more often than not I will give up and opt for jeans and a hoodie with the thought that “If I can’t make myself not look fat than at least I can hide under baggy clothing.” This does not feel good.

Truthfully I don’t care what people think about me (or at least I tell myself I don’t), but I do care what I think of me and usually that’s coming from a place which is quite judgemental. There are some days when it’s worse than others, days when I want to cry out of sheer frustration (How can an outfit that I was able to wear last week suddenly makes me look like the Michelin man this week?)

So I’m thinking that this is probably more about me than the actual clothes, and that even if Gok Wan himself came and styled me there would still be an issue. So I started this blog thinking that I needed to make peace with my wardrobe and recognise that it isn’t out to get me and drive me insane, but I think what I actually need is to make some sort of peace with my body and it’s image. That peace is not going to come by losing weight/changing my shape because my body isn’t wrong. It’s my view, my perception and my self-esteem that’s wrong.


6 thoughts on “The war with my wardrobe

  1. Wow. I read this thinking “did I write this blog in my sleep and forget about it?” Seriously, every word could have been written by me. I know exactly that fight with the mirror, the clothes strewn across the floor, nothing looking right, going with the same hoody and jeans. That self hate and sadness.
    People wonder why I turn up late. When I say “I couldn’t find anything to wear”, they think I’m ridiculous. I look at their slim bodies, which never change size, and think “if only I could just put anything on, and walk out of the door in 5 minutes like you can. For me, one thing makes me have fat arms, another squeezes around my belly too much, another skirt stops at the fattest part of my leg….” etc etc etc.

    Thanks for writing this.

    I write about self-esteem too, it could be that we could share ideas for improving this sense of self.

    Good luck.

    1. Hi. Thank-you so much for your comment. I’d love to share ideas for improving a person’s sense of self with you. I think it’s difficult because I know that my view on myself is so highly dependant on my mood and thoughts, and that if I’m going through a hard moment than it’s going to reflect in the mirror. I’m learning to trust that what I see is not always correct, and it isn’t how other people see me either. Sometimes you just need to step back and realise that your self-worth is not tied up in the size of your stomach. It has no bearing on if you are a good person or a wonderful friend, or your humour etc.
      Don’t believe the terrible things your head says about your body. Your body is amazing. x

  2. Absolutely! We do have to have words with ourselves when we see our figure mutating before us in the mirror, and remind ourselves that we are beautiful, just the way we are, that our mind is playing tricks on our perception. It’s so hard at times. I do have to address my negative inner voice quite a lot, otherwise she takes over and tears me to pieces.

    In fact, I have scheduled a couple of blog posts this week on this very subject, and have linked back to you in them ๐Ÿ™‚

    Great to meet you. Thanks again for your excellent words.

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