At the moment I am stuck. I’m somewhere in that limbo place, on the one hand I hate this disorder and everything that it holds. I hate the restrictions that it places on my life, the energy that it takes, all the things that it stops me from engaging in and the fact the it puts limitations on me.
Yet on the other hand I really fricking miss it and I do not want to gain anymore weight. I do not want the war that comes when the number goes up. I don’t know why.
It’s not like I believe anymore that a number is going to make me happy, hell I don’t even believe that there is actually a number that will be acceptable to me anymore. So in a way I think that if I did go back to losing myself in this than I would have to get down to a number that I have never been before. I can’t do that. It almost killed me the first and second time round.
I have to gain weight so that I can do all the things I want to do in life, because I don’t want to just do them, I want to enjoy them. I want to live the life that I want and haven’t been able to because I have been stuck in the world of the mental health system, jumping from one crisis to another, inpatient care to community and back again.
So we come back to the point of what do I want? Recovery is freedom, and I want freedom. So where is the problem with accepting and just eating a meal plan and getting into my target range? My old beliefs are shifting, I don’t think starving myself is going to save me anymore and a number is just a number and I have no desire to become society’s ideal of beauty.
I don’t have an answer by the way…
I can’t figure it out, why I can’t accept the weight gain, and why the following week I respond with restricting. Things have been static for months, with me saying all the right words, with me making plans and insightful comments fully believing them only to have them fall short when it comes to putting them in action.
I have no follow through. This is harder than I thought. Why or what am I doing? I cannot make this make sense and I worry that if I don’t soon I am going to get tired with trying to keep myself in some sort of balanced and think “screw it”