The truth is that some days are going to hurt more than others, and all you are going to want to do is suffocate every feeling and thought in a haze of numbers and restriction. There will be days when you think that the only way to survive is to run as hard and as fast as you can until your heart beats wildly against your chest, just about staggering on. There will be days when you will hate the curve of your hips, or the swell of your stomach, or even the sound your body makes when your feet hit the ground. You will feel the weight of everything that makes up your story filling you up and leaving a heaviness inside of you.
Yes…there will be days like that.
And you know what?
That’s ok. It’s ok to want to give up, or not do this at all. It’s ok to be angry that this is happening to you and feel entirely discouraged. It is ok to miss your eating disorder, even when you know it destroyed who you were.
It isn’t ok though to accept that this will be your life forever. It isn’t ok to let this illness turn you into the person you never wanted to be. It isn’t ok to let yourself believe the lies that you have been feeding yourself for God knows how long.
There will be days when it cripples beyond belief.
But there will be so many other days. Days filled with moments that make you ridiculously pleased that you decided to stick around. There will be friends you have yet to meet, and the boy you’re supposed to fall hopelessly in love with. There will be train rides, and holidays in cities that you can’t pronounce. There will be fireworks, and sunsets and dancing until you can’t anymore because you’re laughing too hard. There will be birthday cakes or wedding cakes, or maybe even both. The world is waiting for you to re-join it. It’s waiting to give you moments that warm you up and make your face hurt from smiling. Don’t give up. It’s only today that hurts.