For a while this idea of permission has been playing around in my head. I think I am waiting for someone to tell me that it’s ok to gain weight again and get back into my target range. The difficulty is I don’t know who that person would be. I don’t know who I would allow myself to listen to.
This thought is new to me. I remember being in treatment and having a hard time with the meal plan and the concept of gaining. The dietician came to see me one day to see if we could get to the bottom of why. She asked me if that was what I needed…permission?. At the time it was certainly not, the thought almost ridiculous, the thinking that someone external could allow me to eat and that would ease the rage of the eating disordered thought in my head was simply not something I was capable of.
But now that MY voice is a little louder I am beginning to wonder if that is what I need. I am so unsure, living in both worlds that on the one hand tells me “You need to gain weight to be healthy” against the other side which says “You’re huge. You can’t get any fatter.” Maybe I need more reassurances because right now trusting myself and my instincts isn’t seeming like a very good idea.
And I hate that…it makes feel weak and clingy. At some point I’m going to have to just be vulnerable and be ok with that.