At the moment I am stuck. I’m somewhere in that limbo place, on the one hand I hate this disorder and everything that it holds. I hate the restrictions that it places on my life, the energy that it takes, all the things that it stops me from engaging in and the fact the it… Continue reading Muddling through thinking.
Why do people make their eating disorders about other people? As though they are looking for someone to prove something to.
I see pictures with the caption of “Make them regret the day they ever called you fat”
Who are you trying to make regret? The people who will move on with their lives, have families and children whilst you are still trapped in that moment. You are ruining your life, not theirs. It’s you that has to sit there, curled up on the couch, wrapped in a blanket in the middle of summer because your body is shutting down. It is you trapped in your own misery, on your own because you’ve shut everyone out.
Someone else said something to me last night, that they have to prove people wrong. That they can still do everything despite people saying they couldn’t, such as going for run. What is gained by proving them wrong? Nothing! They will have let it go whilst you are trying to figure out for the next week if your heart is going to stop while you are sleeping, It’s not about them. It’s not about hanging on to something in the hope that it makes you seem stronger or whatever rational you want to use. It’s about you. It’s always been about you, and somehow you have to figure out how you are going to make peace with yourself, with the world and your body.
The truth is that some days are going to hurt more than others, and all you are going to want to do is suffocate every feeling and thought in a haze of numbers and restriction. There will be days when you think that the only way to survive is to run as hard and as fast as… Continue reading Some days…
There are times when I see another person inhabiting an existence that I once did that makes me doubt where I am. I start to feel solid, grounded and present. The idea of wanting or owning that is so different then the reality of living with it. Wanting it makes me want to grasp on to freedom; with planting myself firmly this world I am saying that I want to be part of life. The reality though twists into an illusion, and this image of this untouchable perfection comes to mind, that with less of me, with less space that I take up I will finally become acceptable and if not acceptable able to slip away into nowhere.
Yet I have to remember that there is nothing pretty about anorexia, that starvation eats and kills your insides, devours every shed of your personality and in turn makes you into someone that you were never supposed to be, a person that you don’t like very much.
It’s all a lie, this disorder is a lie but it whispers to you things of beauty, and that’s how it pulls you back in. Promises to love you whilst it smothers you.
No matter how much time passes, it is still hard. Still hard to get on that scale, watch the numbers go up and still make yourself sit down and eat. Everyday I torture myself with my scale, and not just once but repeatedly! Obviously it is not doing me any good, but for some reason I… Continue reading Scales
For a while this idea of permission has been playing around in my head. I think I am waiting for someone to tell me that it’s ok to gain weight again and get back into my target range. The difficulty is I don’t know who that person would be. I don’t know who I would allow myself to listen to.
This thought is new to me. I remember being in treatment and having a hard time with the meal plan and the concept of gaining. The dietician came to see me one day to see if we could get to the bottom of why. She asked me if that was what I needed…permission?. At the time it was certainly not, the thought almost ridiculous, the thinking that someone external could allow me to eat and that would ease the rage of the eating disordered thought in my head was simply not something I was capable of.
But now that MY voice is a little louder I am beginning to wonder if that is what I need. I am so unsure, living in both worlds that on the one hand tells me “You need to gain weight to be healthy” against the other side which says “You’re huge. You can’t get any fatter.” Maybe I need more reassurances because right now trusting myself and my instincts isn’t seeming like a very good idea.
And I hate that…it makes feel weak and clingy. At some point I’m going to have to just be vulnerable and be ok with that.
There is an attempt to change yourself when you step into recovery. You have to re-write everything you know, unlearn years of thinking that was never quite right and had been leading to nothing more than your destruction. It’s not about starting again, nor is it about forgetting but it’s about accepting and letting go.… Continue reading To live and be alive.