When was the last time you did something positive for your recovery?
When did you last push yourself further than you thought possible because you wanted to find yourself a bit freer from the disorder that binds you? Have you reflected recently on your recovery process? Do it now and be honest with yourself.
Are you just drifting by? Living in a world that is neither sickness nor health but that cold place in between which you tell yourself you’re ok with? Have you reached your limit and if you were to think about the extent of that limit do you want to weep because it hurts, so the only thing you can do is not think about it? Do you still find yourself too much but lacking? Do you spend each day praying that nobody notices the behaviours that you can’t seem to shake and hoping beyond hope that if they do notice, they won’t ask you to give that up too because you’re not really sure that you can? Have you lost your motivation, your self-belief, or your desire to push anymore? Do you comfort yourself with the fact that you’re almost well or at least not dead and accept that that is more than you’d ever hoped for so therefore it must be enough?
Are you challenging yourself? Embracing the body that you live in and finding that peace has started to settle on your soul? Are you hopeful for a future in which your disorder is nothing more than a memory? Is its voice softening and you are finding it is being replaced by everything else that you had never had the space to consider before, things that startle, amaze you and fill you with hope? Do you find pleasure in food, the taste, smells and textures? If you look in the mirror, do you see strength, wellness and a body that is more than the place in which you store all your hurt? Is your recovery still active, still something you are willing to give your everything to because you want a life that is not stained with this disorder anymore? Do you still hope for something more?
Reflecting on my own recovery process isn’t something I’ve been doing very well lately and admittedly not very honestly either on the occasions that I do. I stopped engaging in recovery a while back and I’ve consoled myself with the thought ‘at least I’m not engaging in the disorder’. I’m questioning though if that’s possible, if you can exist in neither sphere. If I’m just letting the voices of Anorexia gently tangle themselves up in my brain then does that mean it’s winning? I’m not sure. A food disappears out of my diet and I just let it. I pull back on the calories that I consume and rationalise it by telling myself that what I was having before was just a little excessive. What I’m doing isn’t extreme, it’s just a tweak here and there. I sit and shake through a meal then never do that meal again because the anxiety is too high, but again I tell myself that it’s ok, I have safer options. Whilst I am doing all this, it feels like I can breathe for the first time in a long time because I am not challenging that thing inside of my head which hates me. Yet I know equally that I do not have the time, resources or desire to free-fall back into Anorexia. It’s a brutal place and I know that I do not want to make it home again. It’s like I’m stuck and so I drift. Not moving forward in my recovery. Not moving into a relapse either. Something is going to have to change but there isn’t the will there right now. It’s like there is a void inside of me that I wouldn’t describe as numb, I just don’t feel very much at the moment other than a ridiculous level of anxiety. So honesty is always the first step…I think I suck as a recovery advocate right now and I’m possibly living a little lie. Yet it’s not like I’m drowning in the disorder. Does this any of this make sense because I am doubting that I’m even capable of doing that right now? That’s all I have.
I hope your day has been good to you.