The Damage Done

29 Oct

Things are getting progressively worse here. I’m not quite sure what to do with myself. As I mentioned the other day I was having some muscular pain in my neck which was making things harder than they should be. After a pretty awful day of it one of the other patients offered to do some work on it (she’s a physiotherapist). It completely worked and my neck felt so much better but not long after I started to feel quite unwell. I had twisted my back earlier in the day and it seems that without the neck pain to distract me, the back injury could take centre stage. I’m not going to lie, I’m kind of in agony with it. Yesterday all I did was cry. The pain was overwhelming, painkillers from pharmacy didn’t arrive till 5pm and the doctor didn’t come up to see me till 8:30pm (she was expected at 2pm at the latest). Mostly it’s the weirdness I’ve been feeling and not just the pain. I’ve been losing more and more feeling in my legs and arms since yesterday morning. Tonight the entire lower half of my body was tingling and I wasn’t quite sure I was going to be able to sit through dinner. The nurse at my table is fantastic though and she sat with me at the end to just go through what I was feeling physically then did my obs. I think part of it is because I’ve been sat for a lot of today and that seems to be making it worse so she let me go and do my rest period in my room in bed rather than sitting in the communal lounge which is what we have to do. I can feel my butt now but due to the tension, I can feel my entire back muscles and neck beginning to get worse. I can’t get comfortable at all. I want the pain to stop so I can get on and focus on my treatment but I’m not sure how long a twisted back nerve takes to heal. The doctors coming back up to see me tonight and hopefully a plan can be put into place so that I can deal with the pain and numbness.

It’s also tied in with some results that I got today which although I was expecting was still a bit of a slap. I had my bone density scan a couple of weeks ago and the doctor sat down with me today and told me that I had osteopenia in my spine. It’s only slight and can be reversed with an adequate diet but still. How could I have let myself get so malnourished that it could do this to my bones when I’m only in my twenties? It could be worse and I’m trying to hold on to that. I can still fix this.

Yet even though I know all this I won’t deny that I’m not struggling with my weight and body at the moment. I feel so swollen and yes…fat! I can’t escape that feeling or the need to crawl out of my skin to make it stop. It shouldn’t mean anything. It shouldn’t be so important when I can actually see how much Anorexia has wrecked my body but it is. Tomorrow is weigh in again and I’m really not looking forward to it. I really need to gain weight in order to have leave this weekend for my sisters baby shower but equally I don’t want to. I want to stop this process because it feels as if I am losing something that even though I hate is all I’ve ever really known. I have to wonder though how much of my own perception plays in to this and by that I mean my Manager came today to see me and asked if I had been gaining weight. I was stunned that she could ask such a question when to me it is so startlingly obvious that it feels almost ridiculous. Of course I am gaining but is it possible that they way I see myself gaining/restoring is not the same as everyone else sees? I don’t have an answer to that and I’m not sure I’d believe anyone else at this point either if they contradicted my own eyes. It does make me think though.

I hope your day has been good to you.

Useful Group

27 Oct

It’s a difficult day today simply because I am so overwhelmingly exhausted (and a little bit because it was weigh in this morning). I think all my early mornings are finally catching up with me and even just the changing of the clocks this year seems to have thrown me even further out of sync. Mostly it’s down to some muscular pain. I must have slept funny a couple of nights ago because I’ve hurt my neck and it is radiating all down my back and shoulders. I may also be coming down with something too as I feel generally pretty awful and have a headache that doesn’t want to shift. It’s not doing my mood any favours because if you didn’t already know, I am terrible at being unwell or in pain. It takes a lot for me to notice it but when I do, I genuinely feel really sorry for myself. It would be funny if it didn’t feel so awful. Yet I refuse it to use it as an excuse to not keep trying hard in my meals. The thing about this place that it doesn’t really matter what else is going on for you, you still have to complete your meals. That’s a big thing here and nobody wants to get an incomplete. I’m not sure when that psychological shift happens, when it swaps from people being upset about finishing meals to being upset about not finishing, but it does and kind of quickly too. Mostly though so far today I have been getting on with some of the psychological work that was set for me last week because when you see a lot of different professionals, that work pile soon starts to add up. All that empty time you had at the beginning of the treatment soon begins to fade and suddenly you have a daily schedule which is crammed with all the things that you need to get done in. I prefer it like that but then stillness has never been my strong point.

I have just come out of a very useful group though which followed on nicely from a post I did a couple of days about the physical aspects of beginning recovery. Today we were looking at the process of refeeding and with that the changes that the body goes through, why and also refeeding syndrome. Thankfully I am out of the danger zone of that happening because when you think about it, it is quite frightening. I find it sad that even when we try to repair our bodies there is still a risk of suffering some major consequences. I think its easy to not think about how this is going to impact you when you’re in the depth of starvation but when you come out of that place and really see what you have been doing, it starts to matter. Each time I let myself go through another relapse, it’s going to take my body longer to repair. It’s going to also have to work harder to fix it too. The good news is though is that the body is highly adaptive and that once you gradually start introducing food back into your life then within a couple of weeks that risk of refeeding syndrome drops as your body is dealing with the shift of changing the source of its energy. Then when you hit roughly the 6 week mark, if your diet is consistent, a normal metabolic rate will be in place. Weight stops feeling like it’s shooting up too quickly and begins to find a steady pace of increase. Those mood shifts begin to stabilise and those feelings of euphoria and then sudden floods of tear become less intense and rapid in changing. Weight redistribution will happen but it’s going to take about a year to do so. Basically the body is going through so many hormonal, physical and psychology changes in the first few weeks of recovery that I guess it kind of makes sense of why it feels so nightmarish. Yet what I must repeat is that the only way that this ever gets better is by continuing to go through it.

I think it’s going to take a long time before my body can forgive me. I think it may take even longer before I forgive me too.

Treatment Luck

26 Oct

It is now day 41 of treatment. Is it terrible that I’m still keeping count like that? I think I do it because I don’t want to let myself forget that I still have a life that I left behind and that it wasn’t that long ago. It’s easy to let the time blur and a say roughly a couple of months or longer. It’s easier (at least for me) to stop caring how much time has passed. I don’t want to get used to this place. I don’t want it to become my normality again. It’s not that I hate it as such, it’s just hate that I have to be here in the first place. Yet I am thankful for it most days. I am lucky. I realise this. I live in a place which happens to be the city where the Eating Disorder Unit is based, so that means I automatically have access to specialised care which others who live out of area do not. I don’t have to apply for funding to be an inpatient…all I had to do was agree to come in. I think that’s why I feel guilty a lot of the time for being here because I know that had I lived anywhere else, if my BMI was over the criteria by even 0.1, had I not had an amazing community team who knew when my limits had been reached then I would have stayed at home and continued to drive myself into the ground. It’s also why it pisses me off when people don’t give everything they have to this process. Most of the patients here agree to come voluntarily and detaining is rarely used simply because you can’t make someone want to recover and you can’t make them actually recover. There are people here who seem to complain every moment of every day and although I personally love a good few hours of wallowing in self-pity and having a rant, when it comes down to it, that can’t be all that you do all the time. When I see people not getting involved with the psychological parts of treatment such as the groups or they are continuously walking out of meals or rest periods then it annoys me. You get out what you put into this and if you are not giving it everything it’s not going to get any better. There are so many people that I know that need specialist input and because of a lack of luck or a BMI that’s a little too high they are denied any treatment. I’m not saying that individuals have to get on with things, not struggle or essentially snap themselves out of it because that’s not going to happen. If it was then this whole piece and existence of units in the first place would be irrelevant. I think what I’m saying is that this place is hard. Recovery is hard…but you can’t keep telling them same stories over and over again as a way to justify not engaging. We are not the beyond hopeless or the sickest people, we are not individuals who no one in the world can understand so we must be put away…we got lucky. We get another chance of living a life with the potential of it being a free life. Some will never know that and some will die trying to know that. So today I am thankful because even though all this hurts like hell, it is better to be here trying to live than out there trying to at the minimum exist.

I hope your day has been good to you.

Physical Parts of Treatment

25 Oct

Throughout this stay as an inpatient I’ve mainly talked about the emotional and mental changes that I have been experiencing. I haven’t really talked about the physical side and what that has been like but I think it’s important that I do because it is such a huge chunk of what it means to enter recovery in the beginning. Personally when I came in I was malnourished, underweight and generally my health was at risk. For months I had been struggling with palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, cramping, aches and pains that refused to ease. It felt like my whole body was letting me know how unhappy my body was with how hard I was making it work on not very much.

When I came in I met with the duty doctor that evening. We went through a lot of questions in regards to every aspect of my life and then she began the process of physically making sure that in that moment I was doing ok. She took my bloods, BP, Pulse, Temp, and an ECG reading. She tested my reflects, moved my joints, listened to my heart and my lungs. She prodded and poked until we ran out of time. That night I received an array of medications to give my body what I had not been able to and also prevent the risk of me developing refeeding syndrome.

In the first few days I was dizzy a lot.
My muscles felt like they were being stretched and cramping (mainly in my legs).
A headache was never that far away.
I was exhausted and wired at the same time.
The bloating made me swell to what felt like double my size, particularly on my stomach.
There was the heartburn and indigestion.
The slowed digestion.
Heart Palpitations.
Sudden changes in temperature.
Most of the time my body just felt weird. There were sensations pretty much all the time but I could never quite find the right way to describe them other than an oddness to how things were running.

It’s not over 5 and a half weeks in and things are improving for me physically but there are still things that are going on which I imagine will be working going on for a while.
My hormones are all completely out of whack and am somewhere at the stage of where you start to go through puberty again. It isn’t a fun phase.
I’m still pretty much bloated all the time.
I still get cramps on and off throughout the day.
There are times when those odd sensations flare up.
The actual pain though has started to lessen and my digestive system is beginning to pick up its pace and work a little more efficiently. It still struggles but it’s going to do when I think of all the years worth of crap that I’ve put it through.
Randomly in the day after lunch I get extremely tired and sleepy but am unable to nap. This is often accompanied by a spot of dizziness.

At some point this will again change and get better.

I’m still waiting for my bone density results and they are making me a little bit anxious. I know the last time I had lower density in my spine but I was told once I weight restored then it would naturally heal itself. I never fully weight restored. Yesterday I did have a conversation with my consultant psychiatrist though (lovely man) and he told me that whatever they do show, I am already on the treatment plan to repair it because increasing the density comes from having an adequate diet, gaining weight and the reappearance of the menstrual cycle.

I have been lucky. After all that I have done, everything is or seems to be reversible at the moment. I have the opportunity to finally experience what it means to be in a healthy body and I don’t think that has been the case since I was a kid. I admit that it’s scary because of the weight factor but if I can just take a little of the focus off of that then maybe I can begin to appreciate what it means to have the energy to live my life.

I hope your day is kind to you.

Underestimating Anorexia

24 Oct

As you know the last few times that I’ve posted I have been in a quite a dark place. Things have felt overwhelming and the hope of recovery had begun to feel like something that may be unachievable. There have been quite a number of times when I have sat in my room on the ward and cried because it has felt like I can not meet the goals that I had set out for myself and what’s more it has felt like even tolerating life and myself seemed too much of a stretch to think about. I don’t know if I’m over the worst of it yet but despite that I am still trying. I think that when I think about giving up, I try to remind myself of all that I have which is worth fighting for. I have walked away too many times in the past and to be truthful I am tired of being that person who constantly wants to pretend that things are not happening. The reality is that if I don’t continue to attempt to remove the power that the Eating Disorder has over me then I will be signing myself up to live a kind of life that I am not ok with. I have to do everything that I can during this admission because I won’t have it in me to come back. I cannot do another round of treatment if this one fails to sustain and it might also be that I won’t survive the relapse. My body is healing but I have to learn that once it is healthy it is not ok to go back to destroying it. In order to do that I have to believe that I matter. That ‘I’ as an individual have an identity that is not bound up only in Anorexia. It might sound simple but at times it is unclear for me to hear my voice and distinguish if it is truly my own or how much of it is influenced by the other voices.

It all feels fragile at the moment and I extend that feeling to myself as well. I don’t think that shell that I wear around me is as solid as it used to be. I know that that is a good thing in the grand scheme of things but in the here and now it is like an open wound with the nerves exposed constantly being prodded. The problem is until I let it heal rather than just papering over it then it’s going to continue to hurt. Everyday I go through the motions of getting from morning to night but I am avoiding so much that it at times none of it feels really real. I keep waiting for the day that I get to stop or at least for a break but the reality no such thing can happen. Sure there will come a day in a few weeks when I will leave the unit. I will attempt to try and put myself back in the life that I left behind but I will be a different person. I’m going to have to figure out how to be ok with that person. Mentally I am still miles behind my body but if I take the pressure off in an attempt to let my mind catch up then my physical side will take a hit and I cannot let that happen either because to be able to do the necessary psychological work, the nutritional rehabilitation needs to be achieved.

I think of all the work that I still have left to do and it makes me feel small and afraid. I think I can work through it but at this point I’m not entirely sure or convinced. The hope was that I’d get stronger quicker than this but as always I underestimate Anorexia.

Maybe it’s time to stop doing that.

I hope your day is good to you.

No theme post

20 Oct

Weigh in again this morning. It’s getting to me more as the weeks go by. I equally want to stop it before it goes any higher but not stop it because it means that I will reach my target quicker therefore spending less time in hospital. Yet, it doesn’t really matter what I want it to do because it’s going to do its own thing regardless. Everyday I complete my full meal plan and instead of the weight gain naturally slowing down which everyone says it will, it seems that it keeps taking these giant leaps and every time that it happens it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Today’s though seems to be the worst one yet. From straight after it happened till lunch I cried either in my room or on my walk round the grounds. Afterwards and now, I just feel…well very little of anything really. I’m exhausted and hurting but it’s more like a dull ache beneath a haze of something that I can’t figure out. I’ve barely spoken today because it seems like too much of an effort. Even making polite conversation with the other women passing me in the hallways means that I have to give something that I haven’t got. I’m sure if I was capable of it then I would more than likely be feeling guilty about it. I’m not supposed to show that this is getting to me. I’m supposed to be able to smile all the fucking time. I don’t know if I can keep all this up.

Last night I went out for cigarette with one of the nurses and all these words just came out of me. Yet I can’t remember what I actually told her or what I was just thinking in my head. I did tell her that it didn’t matter, that whatever I was feeling was irrelevant. It’s not going to change this situation. I still have to get up and eat and gain weight so what is the point in talking about it? My friends are falling apart and I’m not there for them. My little brother is going the same way and getting into trouble and again I am not there for him. I hate myself in a way that I can’t even begin to verbalise. Most of the time my thoughts swing to suicide and self harm and punishment. I didn’t hear anything she said back to me. I couldn’t rise above the noise in my own head to let anything else in. I’m so scared of myself and how fragile everything seems at the moment. I don’t know what to do.

I think recovery is kind of kicking my butt right now.

I hope your day is being kind to you.

Dig your own grave

19 Oct

It’s been nearly 5 weeks now since I came into treatment and the reality of my weight gain is beginning to get to me more and more each day. It is the hardest thing to look at or feel and not be able to shy away from the swells and rises that weren’t as pronounced before treatment began. Logically I know that I am not obese from what my BMI tells me but for me my reality tells me something different, it always has done. When I came in one of the main things I was struggling with was how my weight would be too high to be here and that I also felt like I genuinely didn’t look like I need to be. Now take all those initial thoughts and multiply them about a-couple-of-a-thousand times and you can probably imagine how things are after weeks of being re-fed on a substantial meal plan.

I can’t even distinguish between what is fat, or bloating or water retention and if it continues at this rate for the rest of my admission then I may have a hard time coping. Last night I locked myself in my room away from everyone because I felt too self conscious. Most of the time I want to undo what the refeeding’s done and get myself down to a size that somehow seems to be more acceptable but then with that I lose all the better things that have come from not living in a starved body.

I mean, I’m not as dizzy as I used to. I can handle dashing about without losing my breath entirely and when I do it’s just because I’ve been inactive for a while; It’s not because I don’t have the energy to breathe anymore. My digestive system seems to be repairing itself. I can go to the bathroom now which if you’ve been through recovery, you will appreciate how much joy having a bowel movement can produce. The heart palpitations have gone away and with that the fear that I could have a heart attack at any given moment has become less. My body is doing everything that it can to undo the damage that I have done but I know that if I want it to heal properly then I need to give it more time. Before I came in, the one thing that I wanted other than to have this Eating Disorder out of my mind was to simply feel healthy. I wanted to not feel like I was a 75-year-old woman who is riddled with health complaints. Now that that is happening it is freaking me out slightly. I can see the direct link between the development of a stronger body and my intake. If I was to stop then I know that the aches and pains that were often at times hard to pinpoint or name will once again be something that becomes an inescapable presence. I am realising that to sustain these energy levels etc than I can never go back to restriction. Starving the body will never produce any other results other than diminishing the body into a state that makes living on a daily basis excruciating. That’s the bit the hurt. The never being able to go back and avoid the consequences. I am not an indestructible person and after 15 years of both restricting and purging to begin with then restricting and over-exercising, I can start to grasp that at some point my body will fail in a way that I won’t be able to undo. How can it not? You can’t abuse something for that long and think that you can carry on. There will come a point where you will find that if you don’t chose recovery, you may as well just start digging your own grave.

Despite knowing all this though it doesn’t make it any easier to be able to sit in your own skin when all you see is fat. It doesn’t make that self hate go away. One of my concerns is that I will get to my target range and find that I cannot accept my body for what it will become and if I can’t do that then I won’t ever be able to move forward. Recently I’ve started some body image workbooks and although they are horrible uncomfortable and awkward to fill in, I know that it’s going to be an essential part of my treatment. I need to do the things that I have never done before and actually talking out loud about how I feel about my body is something that I’ve always shyed away from. Thankfully I have a good primary nursing team and maybe in time they can instil a little confidence in me. For now though I just have to keep continuing to get through my meals, figure out a way to stay in my meals mentally and see where I go from there.

I hope your day is good to you.

Missing It

17 Oct

I feel like in the last two days I’ve hit both some major highs and lows and to be honest I am kind of reeling from it. You’d have thought by now that parts of my mind would have begun to emerge from the fog or at least figured out how to prepare itself from the constant shift of emotion. Instead all it has made me do is sit in a room with my therapist and try to stop myself from breaking down as I admit that I feel like my Eating Disorder right now. I need something to put between me and the outside world because it is too much for me to handle. It’s too unsolid for me and like the creature of habit that I am I want to lose myself in Anorexia. What I want is restriction and a way to make my weight go down because it feels too high, I feel too excessive and surely won’t that make it better? I am remembering the lies but in this moment I do not care that they are lies. To me the Eating Disorder has always been reliable in the sense that it has always felt like it was there for me. It doesn’t matter that it was killing me, would kill me if I went back but it never faltered. It never turned away from me. But I chose to give up. I chose to come into treatment and attempted to convince myself that I could ever be free from it. I am sat here getting bigger and knowing that I can’t do a damned thing about it other than leave treatment but I can’t do that because if I have to live with the Anorexia then I won’t live at all.

I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of pretending to be someone that I’m not. I walk around this unit being this preppy, positive person and to be blunt, if I met me I would want to slap me. Yet I feel there is this expectation to tell everyone else that it’s all going to be alright, that they are going to get through this because they are strong enough. I don’t know if they’re going to be fine or if they’re going to recover. I can’t give them a guarantee and I can’t be an example right now because the more I try to be, the more I hate myself everyday. Take for example lunch today…I have been struggling all morning with energy levels and mood. I’d just had my therapy appointment and had been giving voice to how much I feel like I’m worth shit at the moment and then I go in there and two other people join me at the table. One of them is lovely and so is the other, but the other also has a tendency to kind of drain you. Usually I’m pretty good at keep up a steady stream of conversation because it helps to distract me but today I couldn’t do that. Today I just wanted to be left alone and get through my meal without falling apart, which I did because I shut down again for most of it. This lady though kept trying to talk to me, ask me questions and tell me that I had a long day yesterday and I must be tired. I am not a bloody child to be patronised. Yet the more I struggled, the more she started to faff about with her own food. By the time dessert rolled around, she’s sat there playing with her yoghurt whilst I have to eat my substantial desert of fruit crumble and custard. In the end I sat there with tears falling down my cheeks, eating one bite after the next and trying to get it over with as quickly as I could. It just feels like I can’t even let myself show that I’m struggling because when shit like that happens and you start to impact others then it’s not cool. I am internalising everything and storing it up, avoiding as much as I can, not looking in mirrors, changing my clothes as they start to fit too tightly for my liking.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to go home and lock the door and not eat.
It won’t achieve anything but maybe the world won’t hurt quite so much as this? I know though that I won’t leave. I have screwed up too much in my life to make the people around me go through me leaving treatment. Also as tired as I am…past all of these current thoughts of not wanting etc, all I really want is to be free.

Weight Gain

16 Oct

I’m trying to be happy today…I really am. It’s my birthday. I don’t want to be sad even if they don’t mean that much to me. But I was weighed this morning and seeing that number go up the way that it has it making me want to cry or crawl out of my skin. Maybe both. I close my eyes and all I see are those little red digits flashing up. It feels like it has taken too big a jump from Mondays weigh in and I can’t quite tolerate that and yet I can do nothing to change it or bring it down to a pace that feels more comfortable to me because that is what has had me at a standstill for the last couple of years. Overall I haven’t gained that much since I’ve been here because of the initial loss…but I am now beyond my admission weight and somehow the weight gain seems more frightening, more out of my control than it has been feeling this last month. I worry that it will never end and that each week it will happen again and before I know it I will not have only reached target but surpassed far more than I ever intended to. I don’t trust my body enough to do what it needs to do on its own. I always want to interfere, put limitations on it, tell it was is right and wrong. I want to manipulate my size to fit this ideal in my head which will never be attainable but I know that doing that is not recovery. The more I try to force myself into an image, the louder Anorexia gets and if I keep listening to that then I undo everything that I have already done. I genuinely believe that a number is just a number, that it represents nothing else other than that and yet for some reason it is enough to hurt me in a way that feels unbearable.

I feel like I can’t process what it means to be weight restoring. Most days I’m just taking and taking it without overly thinking about it but as more weight gain happens that is becoming harder to do. I still have a bit to go before I reached my target weight and I am afraid that once I reach it then I will find that I won’t be able to accept it. I was never able to the last time and my target range was lower than what it is this time. Maybe it’s because I never reached healthy and so my brain physiologically was not able to. I don’t know. I am unsettled about it today but I can’t be. I am trying to hold on to what I have going on for me at the moment. I get to go out on leave this afternoon and because I did meet the requirements for weight gain this week it means that I can have afternoon leave at the weekend. That’s something right?

I hope your day is good to you.

My life was exhausting me

15 Oct

Let me first apologise for my absence over the last few days. I ran out of mobile data on my dongle which meant no internet other than on my phone for 3 days. I did not like that one bit. I know that I use my laptop a lot but didn’t realise quite how much I depend on being able to access the world in that way. In truth it was probably a good thing though, especially yesterday as it forced me to leave my room a little bit more and engage with the other patients on the ward just to stop driving myself mad but even so it’s not something I want to repeat any time soon.

I guess you could say that things have pretty much remained the same since I last wrote. It’s been the constant changing emotions, the absences and tiredness. I keep waiting for something to change inside of me that tells me I’m an alright person but that hasn’t happened yet. I am making progress in my treatment though and am getting better at talking with people about the thoughts that I’ve been having. I am trying to understand my Anorexia but as I attempt to do that, I keep finding that it has even more layers than I initially thought. How will I ever unlearn or undo all the things that have kept me trapped for years?

My dietician tells me that I sound exhausted when talking about the way I was living my life before coming into treatment. There were so many things that I had to change or adapt to in order to accommodate the Eating Disorder and everything became about not pissing if off but still having enough energy to not pass out in public. She see’s how I have so much now in my life that I want to fight for but I think she is one of the few who also understands how much more frightening that is for me. I have things that I can lose that matter to me this time. If I burn out from this and give up, if I let Anorexia win, then I don’t know how I am going to be handle the crash the follows. The realisation that even when I think Anorexia has taken all that it can from me and that it can still take more is one that feels like a punch in the stomach.

My nurse asks me why I am not self righteously angry about all the loss that has been caused by it? She says if it was her she’d be telling it to “Fuck off…that it’s already taken too much” and she’s right. I just don’t feel like I have a right to be angry about anything. I don’t deserve to be upset about things and I feel that I have to take them. Until I can decide that I am a worthwhile human being then I worry that this process is only going to get me so far and that afterwards if I cannot at least except my body then I am going to continue to relapse. I have done too many rounds of this, at some point I’m not going to be able to do another.

I guess there is a lot going on right now and I don’t want to go into too much detail mainly because I don’t have the concentration at this point to write about it. I am trying to rethink all the thoughts I once held as truth and change them into something that isn’t going to continuously destroy me. It’s hard, but I think it’s going to be hard for some time.

Thankfully there have been moments when my mood has been better over the last couple of days (not today though). In those moments it has felt like I have managed to breathe for a second and I cannot begin to describe what that relief feels like. I was fed up of being miserable and crying in my room so I made myself laugh and talk. Sometimes it was real…even if it is hard to know what real is right now. There are connections that I am beginning to form with other patients now too which does make me feel less alone and it is important. Without peer support I don’t think treatment would be as effective. I was also told yesterday that I now have hours out after progressing into stage 2, will have leave tomorrow afternoon for my birthday and if I meet target at weigh in then I will be able to have weekend leave between meals. I have been missing my life a lot lately so it was a relief to hear this. Things are moving forward and I know I still have a tonne of work to do but it’s better than being static. It’s better than still being at home, hating my world and waiting to die. As painful as all this is…it’s giving me back some of the hope that I had started to lose.

I hope your day has been kind to you.

Dear Bee

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