No theme post

20 Oct

Weigh in again this morning. It’s getting to me more as the weeks go by. I equally want to stop it before it goes any higher but not stop it because it means that I will reach my target quicker therefore spending less time in hospital. Yet, it doesn’t really matter what I want it to do because it’s going to do its own thing regardless. Everyday I complete my full meal plan and instead of the weight gain naturally slowing down which everyone says it will, it seems that it keeps taking these giant leaps and every time that it happens it feels like I’ve been punched in the stomach. Today’s though seems to be the worst one yet. From straight after it happened till lunch I cried either in my room or on my walk round the grounds. Afterwards and now, I just feel…well very little of anything really. I’m exhausted and hurting but it’s more like a dull ache beneath a haze of something that I can’t figure out. I’ve barely spoken today because it seems like too much of an effort. Even making polite conversation with the other women passing me in the hallways means that I have to give something that I haven’t got. I’m sure if I was capable of it then I would more than likely be feeling guilty about it. I’m not supposed to show that this is getting to me. I’m supposed to be able to smile all the fucking time. I don’t know if I can keep all this up.

Last night I went out for cigarette with one of the nurses and all these words just came out of me. Yet I can’t remember what I actually told her or what I was just thinking in my head. I did tell her that it didn’t matter, that whatever I was feeling was irrelevant. It’s not going to change this situation. I still have to get up and eat and gain weight so what is the point in talking about it? My friends are falling apart and I’m not there for them. My little brother is going the same way and getting into trouble and again I am not there for him. I hate myself in a way that I can’t even begin to verbalise. Most of the time my thoughts swing to suicide and self harm and punishment. I didn’t hear anything she said back to me. I couldn’t rise above the noise in my own head to let anything else in. I’m so scared of myself and how fragile everything seems at the moment. I don’t know what to do.

I think recovery is kind of kicking my butt right now.

I hope your day is being kind to you.

Dig your own grave

19 Oct

It’s been nearly 5 weeks now since I came into treatment and the reality of my weight gain is beginning to get to me more and more each day. It is the hardest thing to look at or feel and not be able to shy away from the swells and rises that weren’t as pronounced before treatment began. Logically I know that I am not obese from what my BMI tells me but for me my reality tells me something different, it always has done. When I came in one of the main things I was struggling with was how my weight would be too high to be here and that I also felt like I genuinely didn’t look like I need to be. Now take all those initial thoughts and multiply them about a-couple-of-a-thousand times and you can probably imagine how things are after weeks of being re-fed on a substantial meal plan.

I can’t even distinguish between what is fat, or bloating or water retention and if it continues at this rate for the rest of my admission then I may have a hard time coping. Last night I locked myself in my room away from everyone because I felt too self conscious. Most of the time I want to undo what the refeeding’s done and get myself down to a size that somehow seems to be more acceptable but then with that I lose all the better things that have come from not living in a starved body.

I mean, I’m not as dizzy as I used to. I can handle dashing about without losing my breath entirely and when I do it’s just because I’ve been inactive for a while; It’s not because I don’t have the energy to breathe anymore. My digestive system seems to be repairing itself. I can go to the bathroom now which if you’ve been through recovery, you will appreciate how much joy having a bowel movement can produce. The heart palpitations have gone away and with that the fear that I could have a heart attack at any given moment has become less. My body is doing everything that it can to undo the damage that I have done but I know that if I want it to heal properly then I need to give it more time. Before I came in, the one thing that I wanted other than to have this Eating Disorder out of my mind was to simply feel healthy. I wanted to not feel like I was a 75-year-old woman who is riddled with health complaints. Now that that is happening it is freaking me out slightly. I can see the direct link between the development of a stronger body and my intake. If I was to stop then I know that the aches and pains that were often at times hard to pinpoint or name will once again be something that becomes an inescapable presence. I am realising that to sustain these energy levels etc than I can never go back to restriction. Starving the body will never produce any other results other than diminishing the body into a state that makes living on a daily basis excruciating. That’s the bit the hurt. The never being able to go back and avoid the consequences. I am not an indestructible person and after 15 years of both restricting and purging to begin with then restricting and over-exercising, I can start to grasp that at some point my body will fail in a way that I won’t be able to undo. How can it not? You can’t abuse something for that long and think that you can carry on. There will come a point where you will find that if you don’t chose recovery, you may as well just start digging your own grave.

Despite knowing all this though it doesn’t make it any easier to be able to sit in your own skin when all you see is fat. It doesn’t make that self hate go away. One of my concerns is that I will get to my target range and find that I cannot accept my body for what it will become and if I can’t do that then I won’t ever be able to move forward. Recently I’ve started some body image workbooks and although they are horrible uncomfortable and awkward to fill in, I know that it’s going to be an essential part of my treatment. I need to do the things that I have never done before and actually talking out loud about how I feel about my body is something that I’ve always shyed away from. Thankfully I have a good primary nursing team and maybe in time they can instil a little confidence in me. For now though I just have to keep continuing to get through my meals, figure out a way to stay in my meals mentally and see where I go from there.

I hope your day is good to you.

Missing It

17 Oct

I feel like in the last two days I’ve hit both some major highs and lows and to be honest I am kind of reeling from it. You’d have thought by now that parts of my mind would have begun to emerge from the fog or at least figured out how to prepare itself from the constant shift of emotion. Instead all it has made me do is sit in a room with my therapist and try to stop myself from breaking down as I admit that I feel like my Eating Disorder right now. I need something to put between me and the outside world because it is too much for me to handle. It’s too unsolid for me and like the creature of habit that I am I want to lose myself in Anorexia. What I want is restriction and a way to make my weight go down because it feels too high, I feel too excessive and surely won’t that make it better? I am remembering the lies but in this moment I do not care that they are lies. To me the Eating Disorder has always been reliable in the sense that it has always felt like it was there for me. It doesn’t matter that it was killing me, would kill me if I went back but it never faltered. It never turned away from me. But I chose to give up. I chose to come into treatment and attempted to convince myself that I could ever be free from it. I am sat here getting bigger and knowing that I can’t do a damned thing about it other than leave treatment but I can’t do that because if I have to live with the Anorexia then I won’t live at all.

I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of pretending to be someone that I’m not. I walk around this unit being this preppy, positive person and to be blunt, if I met me I would want to slap me. Yet I feel there is this expectation to tell everyone else that it’s all going to be alright, that they are going to get through this because they are strong enough. I don’t know if they’re going to be fine or if they’re going to recover. I can’t give them a guarantee and I can’t be an example right now because the more I try to be, the more I hate myself everyday. Take for example lunch today…I have been struggling all morning with energy levels and mood. I’d just had my therapy appointment and had been giving voice to how much I feel like I’m worth shit at the moment and then I go in there and two other people join me at the table. One of them is lovely and so is the other, but the other also has a tendency to kind of drain you. Usually I’m pretty good at keep up a steady stream of conversation because it helps to distract me but today I couldn’t do that. Today I just wanted to be left alone and get through my meal without falling apart, which I did because I shut down again for most of it. This lady though kept trying to talk to me, ask me questions and tell me that I had a long day yesterday and I must be tired. I am not a bloody child to be patronised. Yet the more I struggled, the more she started to faff about with her own food. By the time dessert rolled around, she’s sat there playing with her yoghurt whilst I have to eat my substantial desert of fruit crumble and custard. In the end I sat there with tears falling down my cheeks, eating one bite after the next and trying to get it over with as quickly as I could. It just feels like I can’t even let myself show that I’m struggling because when shit like that happens and you start to impact others then it’s not cool. I am internalising everything and storing it up, avoiding as much as I can, not looking in mirrors, changing my clothes as they start to fit too tightly for my liking.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to go home and lock the door and not eat.
It won’t achieve anything but maybe the world won’t hurt quite so much as this? I know though that I won’t leave. I have screwed up too much in my life to make the people around me go through me leaving treatment. Also as tired as I am…past all of these current thoughts of not wanting etc, all I really want is to be free.

Weight Gain

16 Oct

I’m trying to be happy today…I really am. It’s my birthday. I don’t want to be sad even if they don’t mean that much to me. But I was weighed this morning and seeing that number go up the way that it has it making me want to cry or crawl out of my skin. Maybe both. I close my eyes and all I see are those little red digits flashing up. It feels like it has taken too big a jump from Mondays weigh in and I can’t quite tolerate that and yet I can do nothing to change it or bring it down to a pace that feels more comfortable to me because that is what has had me at a standstill for the last couple of years. Overall I haven’t gained that much since I’ve been here because of the initial loss…but I am now beyond my admission weight and somehow the weight gain seems more frightening, more out of my control than it has been feeling this last month. I worry that it will never end and that each week it will happen again and before I know it I will not have only reached target but surpassed far more than I ever intended to. I don’t trust my body enough to do what it needs to do on its own. I always want to interfere, put limitations on it, tell it was is right and wrong. I want to manipulate my size to fit this ideal in my head which will never be attainable but I know that doing that is not recovery. The more I try to force myself into an image, the louder Anorexia gets and if I keep listening to that then I undo everything that I have already done. I genuinely believe that a number is just a number, that it represents nothing else other than that and yet for some reason it is enough to hurt me in a way that feels unbearable.

I feel like I can’t process what it means to be weight restoring. Most days I’m just taking and taking it without overly thinking about it but as more weight gain happens that is becoming harder to do. I still have a bit to go before I reached my target weight and I am afraid that once I reach it then I will find that I won’t be able to accept it. I was never able to the last time and my target range was lower than what it is this time. Maybe it’s because I never reached healthy and so my brain physiologically was not able to. I don’t know. I am unsettled about it today but I can’t be. I am trying to hold on to what I have going on for me at the moment. I get to go out on leave this afternoon and because I did meet the requirements for weight gain this week it means that I can have afternoon leave at the weekend. That’s something right?

I hope your day is good to you.

My life was exhausting me

15 Oct

Let me first apologise for my absence over the last few days. I ran out of mobile data on my dongle which meant no internet other than on my phone for 3 days. I did not like that one bit. I know that I use my laptop a lot but didn’t realise quite how much I depend on being able to access the world in that way. In truth it was probably a good thing though, especially yesterday as it forced me to leave my room a little bit more and engage with the other patients on the ward just to stop driving myself mad but even so it’s not something I want to repeat any time soon.

I guess you could say that things have pretty much remained the same since I last wrote. It’s been the constant changing emotions, the absences and tiredness. I keep waiting for something to change inside of me that tells me I’m an alright person but that hasn’t happened yet. I am making progress in my treatment though and am getting better at talking with people about the thoughts that I’ve been having. I am trying to understand my Anorexia but as I attempt to do that, I keep finding that it has even more layers than I initially thought. How will I ever unlearn or undo all the things that have kept me trapped for years?

My dietician tells me that I sound exhausted when talking about the way I was living my life before coming into treatment. There were so many things that I had to change or adapt to in order to accommodate the Eating Disorder and everything became about not pissing if off but still having enough energy to not pass out in public. She see’s how I have so much now in my life that I want to fight for but I think she is one of the few who also understands how much more frightening that is for me. I have things that I can lose that matter to me this time. If I burn out from this and give up, if I let Anorexia win, then I don’t know how I am going to be handle the crash the follows. The realisation that even when I think Anorexia has taken all that it can from me and that it can still take more is one that feels like a punch in the stomach.

My nurse asks me why I am not self righteously angry about all the loss that has been caused by it? She says if it was her she’d be telling it to “Fuck off…that it’s already taken too much” and she’s right. I just don’t feel like I have a right to be angry about anything. I don’t deserve to be upset about things and I feel that I have to take them. Until I can decide that I am a worthwhile human being then I worry that this process is only going to get me so far and that afterwards if I cannot at least except my body then I am going to continue to relapse. I have done too many rounds of this, at some point I’m not going to be able to do another.

I guess there is a lot going on right now and I don’t want to go into too much detail mainly because I don’t have the concentration at this point to write about it. I am trying to rethink all the thoughts I once held as truth and change them into something that isn’t going to continuously destroy me. It’s hard, but I think it’s going to be hard for some time.

Thankfully there have been moments when my mood has been better over the last couple of days (not today though). In those moments it has felt like I have managed to breathe for a second and I cannot begin to describe what that relief feels like. I was fed up of being miserable and crying in my room so I made myself laugh and talk. Sometimes it was real…even if it is hard to know what real is right now. There are connections that I am beginning to form with other patients now too which does make me feel less alone and it is important. Without peer support I don’t think treatment would be as effective. I was also told yesterday that I now have hours out after progressing into stage 2, will have leave tomorrow afternoon for my birthday and if I meet target at weigh in then I will be able to have weekend leave between meals. I have been missing my life a lot lately so it was a relief to hear this. Things are moving forward and I know I still have a tonne of work to do but it’s better than being static. It’s better than still being at home, hating my world and waiting to die. As painful as all this is…it’s giving me back some of the hope that I had started to lose.

I hope your day has been kind to you.


10 Oct

I keep coming on here to write something but it all feels so blank. I am blank. Sometimes I worry that as each day passes I begin to lose more of my personality. My comments dry up, the banter which used to come so naturally escapes and the very act of being engaged in a conversation seems intimidating and beyond me. Am I doing this to me or has Anorexia done this to me? Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

I am trying to figure out so much stuff right now and look for answers but there are moments when I wonder if they even exist. What if there are no answers or reasons? I don’t think I like the idea of that because then all of this feels as though it would be unfixable and if I can’t fix it then I have to live with it, and if I can’t live with it then I can’t be here anymore.

Clearly my head is not in the best place right now.

In the last couple of days I have felt more absent in my meals, more unable to tolerate how difficult they are and so the only way that I have been able to get through is by shutting down most of my thoughts and feelings about what is happening. I am good at this. I know this…it’s just the coming back that is proving to be the difficult part but I know that I can’t stay away forever. That is not recovery. That is throwing myself into ignorance and denial all over again.

Yesterday was definitely harder than today, in fact, today has felt rather tame in comparison. For one I was weighed yesterday which is always hard. It’s shite seeing those numbers go up and knowing that I can’t do anything to make them go back down. That I’ll never be able to. It feels like it’s happening too fast and it is happening fast but this is inpatient. It’s supposed to be intense. It’s supposed to get you out of the weight danger zone as quickly and safely as it can. The body seems to work miles ahead in comparison to the mind. I want it to be the other way round, that in some way I can make peace within myself first and then have my body repair itself. But that is not how the human body works unfortunately.

Today my mood has been a little more bearable for the first half of the day. We had an interesting dietetic group which looked at energy use. It’s weird because I knew all the right answers to the questions on the quiz. I could even explain those answers and yet I didn’t quite believe them. I had that whole thing of “It doesn’t apply to me” thing going on. My Parents also came in for a visit this afternoon which was actually ok. My Dad got back yesterday from Saudi and was strangely very talkative and engaged. It freaked me out a little if I’m honest. He had also brought me back some ZamZam water which he made me drink when he arrived. I know it’s a gift and that I should be honoured and I am. Yet it is also hard for me because ingesting things that I don’t know, especially from different countries scares me. What I want to be thinking about is all the healing properties that it is said to have but instead I find myself worrying that it will hurt me in some way. I think it’s just a complete lack of an ability to trust anything right now…but I think that can be applied on a much larger scale and be true of most things right now.

I just…It is like I am waiting for this to be over or I’m holding my breath for something but I don’t know what. I don’t know when it will end.

I hope your day has been good to you.


8 Oct

It has felt like I have been drowning more so than usual these last couple of days. Some days I’m not sure if I’ll ever make it out. Hopeless at this point may be too strong a word though. I think what I am feeling is a mixture of despair and tiredness which leads my brain to get stuck on some kind of thought loop which is currently never leading anywhere good. I’ll be honest with you, I keep thinking that I’m not sure I even want to be alive anymore. I wonder how I was foolish enough to believe that things could ever just be ok for me, that I could ever be ok for me. I think for me one of the most challenging parts of that is that I begin to make it seem like it’s right. I begin to justify everything in my head and look for ways to reinforce that idea that I am not good enough, or relevant or irreplaceable. I never wanted to come back to this place where I seek comfort and security in the idea of suicide. It is ridiculous to cling to something which only seems safe because it will ultimately destroy me and somehow that seems better than living with the self hate for the rest of my life.

Yesterday afternoon all I could do was cry. It started around 1pm and carried on for most of the night until I went to bed. The only time I stopped was when I had to go for meals or be in a communal space and I made myself pull it together but afterwards…as soon as I was alone it started again. Maybe I’m supposed to take comfort in the fact that I can control it like that? That I can stop the public emotional meltdowns. I’m not sure because the thing that fuels that is my need to not appear weak or pathetic. I don’t want to be that person who walks around crying and screaming because everything hurts more than words could ever say. It may feel like that but expressing that is far beyond me. When it gets overwhelming I shut down. It’s the only way I can get through my meals. The foods are beginning to blur into one another and I am not registering very much of anything other than “I don’t want to do this”. I’m not expecting myself to be ok with food at this point but it’s like I’ve numbed myself to any connection with it. It’s draining to make myself that distant and yet equally it is exhausting to stay in the present. Mentally right now it feels like I am running away but the only thing I can do is to keep going with it. I could walk away from treatment. I could go back to losing weight. I could just hurt myself or end my life. I could…but I won’t. I am not in the head space to be able to make decisions that I can’t come back from. I agreed to treatment and to see this thing through no matter how horrendous it made me feel and that’s what I am going to try and do. It might be that it gets easier but it will probably get harder. That’s going to have to be ok.

I am getting better at talking about it though and I was able to say some of these things to my nurse today. In a way, although he could not take it away or say anything to make it feel more tolerable, just being able to not have those thoughts stuck in my own head meant that they felt a little less heavier. Sometimes just the act of being heard is enough to see you through the night.

Tomorrow is also weigh in day. As usual I am not looking forward to it in the least and have no idea what my weight will have done. I can’t gauge it in here. I know it will have gone up but who’s to say how much…It shouldn’t matter and all of it gets me to target that much quicker but it can’t happen faster than I am ready for it otherwise I’m going to freak out. I won’t be able to cope with it. It is just a number but I have lived most of my life being dictated by them. I wish that wasn’t the case but it is how things are. I want to be free of their importance but that will only come with time and work if it ever comes at all.

I’m not sure how I got here but I am going to have to keep trying to figure out a way to come back.

I hope your day has been good to you.

Day 21

6 Oct

It is now day 21 of treatment.
That’s 21 days of my life that I have spent driving myself up the wall, being horribly uncomfortable and having my body begin the process of healing itself from the damage I have done. I don’t think that it’s willing to forgive me so quickly though. How can it when I have done nothing but hate on it for years? In some ways things are easier, in others…not so much.

I can sit through my most of my meals now without jumping and fidgeting in my seat. I complete my meals. My pace is quicker. I mix foods. I make conversation to a certain extent. I don’t cry.

But the thoughts haven’t changed. I still think that this all wrong. I still have to listen to the screaming voices in my head that are begging and pleading with me to just not eat another bite. It still hurts beyond words.

Of course 21 days was not going to fix me or really make a substantial difference in terms of changing those core beliefs that I have about myself but I did think that I would be less lost than I am. I think that’s one of the most overwhelming things I am experiencing right now, a profound sense of lostness (I realise that it’s not really a word) and as though I am not quite real. It’s possible that I am just winging this and going with it in the hope that at some point I’ll figure it out but the doubt is there. I am the only thing standing in my way and it annoys the hell out of me because I know this but for some reason I can’t seem to do anything about it.

Why can’t I ever make myself want to or able to stay?
I know how loved I am. I know how lucky I am.

But, I also think that if I just left it wouldn’t really matter. There will always be another who is more than capable of filling the space that I leave behind it. Why do I feel so irrelevant, unworthy and like I’m never quite enough?

It’s Worth Fighting For

4 Oct

I am mixing things up today and have decided to write my post this morning rather than in the evening like I usually would do. This is for two reasons, the first is because lately by the time it gets to around 6:30pm I am feeling completely done in. The strain of the day has worn on me and by the time I write at 8ish, you can pretty much guarantee that there is going to be a fair bit of complaining going on. Although all of that hurt may be a true reflection of recovery and the nightmare that it is, sometimes you need days where you don’t have to acknowledge it as much. The second reason is that in the morning I have such good intentions for the day. I may not be sleeping that great but I have energy, my mood is better and the world doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode at any second. In the mornings I can pretty much believe that most things are possible. I feel capable and I laugh so much more freely, I think it’s real laughter too not just one born out of anxiety or slight mania. Sometimes I feel like this person is the person who I really am. The only problem is that I haven’t figured out how to sustain myself past 10:30am yet.

So whilst I still have some concentration left, I think it might be useful to write something with a purpose. I think I was quite fortunate when I came in to treatment this time. I had already established some clear aims in my mind. I could see a future beyond this and how I wanted that picture to look. There was once a time when I had serious doubts about whether to recover at all, in fact a lot of days were like that but now I don’t have those doubts. I don’t feel like I want to keep handing over pieces of my life to the Eating Disorder and trying to scrape by with whatever remains after it’s done playing with it. I’m not exactly sure what it was that shattered the illusion of Anorexia or made me stop believing that eventually I would hit a low enough weight to stop hating myself so much. All I know is that it finally came to the point where maintaining my Eating Disorder wasn’t just killing me physically but it was also destroying my spirit. I think ultimately I just got tired. When you spend more than half your life, continuously arguing with this poison inside your head, you reach that point where you can’t do it anymore. It may have become your normal to be that way but that doesn’t make it easier. It still hurts to simply be alive.

With all that in mind I want to share with you some of the things that I have figured out, particularly in the last few months on why I won’t live with Anorexia sharing the same space as me anymore.

1, I’m not ready to die. There is still too much that I haven’t seen or experienced. I have lived a half-life at best and that’s not just because of how old I am but because my Mental Health problems have continuously stood as a barrier between me and want it means to be truly living. There are times when I may think that I am invincible, or I’ll tell myself that it’s not that bad or serious, that I’ll be fine but the truth is that I don’t know that. Nobody knows that. Do not make the mistake of believing that your weight is too high or your behaviours are not that bad for this to kill you. An Eating Disorder throws your entire body out of rhythm. It was not built to survive this illness. It will try it’s best but at some point even it will be too tired to keep sustaining and fixing you.

2, You may think though that you are actually ready to die. You may want it, crave it, need it because for some reason it becomes to be seen as the only thing that will ever bring you peace. As though it’s the only thing that stops the Eating Disorder for tearing your brain into pieces all the time. I have been there and it is unbelievably hard. In one way you stop caring because you have nothing left in you to make yourself care. As your mood begins to sink and the dreams start to fade out, it can feel that all you are left with is this disorder and that question of “Well if I let go of that, then what do I have left? I have nothing.” The thing is, if you let go of the Eating Disorder, then all the things that you lost through it begins to come back. If you are patient, if you keep fighting, you will eventually create new dreams, have new hopes, laugh, cry, feel and finally understand why most people would rather live than die. By re-nourishing your body, you have the potential to change those feelings of despair or hopelessness. You will have the strength to do so.

3, An Eating Disorder is a lie and I don’t want to spend anymore time listening to it. All those things that you thought would happen…they don’t happen. You won’t like yourself anymore at a lower weight. You won’t feel safer or happier. You won’t ever believe that you are good enough. All your thoughts get twisted up and it leaves you confused, unsure and I think that increases the desperation. You put more of your energy into the Eating Disorder because you think if you just get to the place that you want to be then everything will magically snap into place. You’ll wake up and be the image that you have created in your mind. You won’t be. That image is not real. You are real. Your laugh, your dreams, how you love, who you love, how kind your heart is or how smart you are…they are the things that are real. They are the things that make you you, but if you let this Eating Disorder continue to consume you, it will take those things too.

4, You get one chance in this life and you are allowed a million mistakes within that…but you are not a mistake! My life was not meant to just consist of being born, being unhappy and then driving myself in to a grave. My life’s purpose is not to continuously change my shape or lessen the amount of space I take up. I am here to love, to travel, to be a friend, to be a sister, daughter, colleague. I am here to discover different cultures, stretch my brain intellectually as far as I can, watch movies, go to the theatre, go to dinner. I am here to impact the world in some way. We are all connected.

I have reached a place where I know that a life can exist after and that that life has the potential to be wonderful. I think though I could only ever see it when I was ready and you, if you are struggling will come to that place in your own time too. It could be that you read a book, or see a photo, or even have some random dream that wakes you up in the middle of the night. I don’t know what your inspiration will be. I don’t know where you will get your motivation from but never give up searching for it…and when you do find it, hold on tight and fight your ED until it has no other choice but to leave you alone.

I hope you have a day that is good to you.

Making the commitment

2 Oct

Today was a big step forward for me in my recovery and already I can tell the difference between the previous admission at the unit and this one. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach and the tone of my voice. This isn’t a ‘something I’m going to do because I don’t know what else to do situation’, this is a ‘I want this desperately and I’m willing to fight for it’ one instead. I’ve come a long way from that person who I once was. I have grown up and learnt that life can be filled with so much more than pain and destruction but I know that I still have a long way to go. I think when it comes to recovery you have to want it but I also believe that it will begin to form and unravel into something positive when you are ready. You can’t speed that process up. You can’t jump ahead or skip the parts that you don’t like. You have to live through every moment because avoiding certain parts is either what got you sick in the first place or what has made you stay ill for so long.

This morning I reached my target weight which meant that I was able to set my aims and objectives for treatment. Initially that weight gain, the first since I’ve been here felt cripplingly horrible but I had to let it go. I had to accept that this is what needs to happen, what I truly want to happen. I know there are going to be days when I want to crawl out of my skin and resort back to losing because it will feel more comfortable but for now I can work on the acceptance part. The world has not blown up because the number on the scales has gone up. I am still standing. I am coping. It means I can move forward. In my meeting today of about 10 professionals I sat and told them what my target weight would be, the programme that I am intending to do and what I want out of this admission. Compared to the last time, this was sincere. I have a drive and a purpose this time. I have something to reach for and life that I want to lead because last time I didn’t. In a way this makes it both harder and easier. The bigger picture helps but the reality of having something worth losing is always going to be risky. It hurts when you have such a long way to fall. There is a lot riding on me and I have an expectations. I don’t want to let myself down. It was a successful meeting and my treatment team are in full support of these plans, the other good news is that I will be able to my maintenance with the community team. This is pretty intensive support but you get to do it from home which I think is the best thing. In the meantime I told my doctors/nurses/therapists and other team members that they need to hit me with everything they’ve gone. Even when I think I can’t take anymore, I still want to do it. I want to put the fire under the Eating Disorder and burn it away. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to make me feel raw and I will probably end up bitching on here a lot to you guys…but I don’t have the time or patience anymore to take this gently. I have a year off to go at this thing as hard as I can and I intend to do just that.

I can’t keep backing down. My emotions are all over the place at the moment and I can’t quite grasp that I matter or that I deserve very much of anything…and I never realised how much that thought was keeping my stuck until I unpicked it with my therapist this afternoon. I keep thinking that I have no right to be angry or upset or anything negative. I don’t feel like I have the right to take up space or time. At some point I am going to have to challenge those thoughts. Unfortunately those thoughts we only exacerbated when my Mum and Sister came to see me. They spent the entire time complaining about how much of an effort it is to come and see me and all the demands that are being placed on them. I wanted to scream at them…all the things that you are doing, taking my little brother to his classes, running errands for my Mum and aunt, taking my Mum anywhere, doing x,y or z they are the things that I have been doing for the last couple of years! I have done all of that and live further away than my two adult siblings and did uni full-time and worked full-time hours volunteering most weeks. Seriously, its been two and half weeks! Can you just not bring this shit to me because right now I don’t want to here it. I feel guilty enough most of the time for being here.

I am trying so hard to be ok tonight, to not be devastated by both my dinner and supper because it is too exhausting to keep doing it to myself but it’s hard. I’m really hoping I can get some sleep tonight.

I hope your day has been good to you.

Dear Bee

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