I am trying to restore some faith that I had in myself. Trying to make myself strong again because being that person who continues to walk away from her life is not the person I want to be anymore. It’s hard but so is destroying myself. I am tired to the bones of hating myself, of being judgemental and critical and seeing myself as nothing more than something to be stood upon. I have no self-esteem as it was pointed out to me last night. My self-worth has lessened over the years instead of growing stronger and as a result I have actively diminished myself. If it was anyone else I would be quite troubled and sad by that but for some reason those feelings don’t stretch to myself…but it has to change. I have to change otherwise what is the point? Life should not be one painful moment after the next with the only thing that you can do is endure and with the Eating Disorder that’s all that I find that I am doing; enduring. Is it so wrong to want more?
Last night I finally managed to see a member of my PNT (Primary Nursing Team) for a decent amount of time. It was needed…I needed to vocalise what has been going on for me these last few weeks without feeling like I have to censor myself or give the answer that I think they want to hear. I spoke of the anxiety which is now leaving me going through a minimum of 3 panic attacks a day. I spoke about the sadness…the suicidal thoughts, the hopelessness, the fears of not getting any better, the pointlessness of me being here and how I am trying to rationalise everything negative. I told him also that I was becoming afraid of myself but I can logically and rationally see exactly how my brain and the eating disorder is trying to trip me up to get me to go running back to it. He was nice. He always is. I think I’m losing count of the number of times he tells me that me that I’m not a nuisance. First he began though by apologising that my care has not been as it should be and that I have been missed, which I don’t blame him for…the reality is that the ward is just chaos at the moment. Secondly he was just there. My nurse has worked in general psych for a long time and he’s a good listener. I don’t think I felt better better afterwards but it helped me to see things as they are and not me catastrophizing them.
Today has been a challenging and busy day. I feel like at meal times lately I am just crumbling each time. I’m getting through them but I turn inwards. I self catered my own lunch which is always a challenge because somehow making an actual choice about what you’re having rather than ticking something on the menu seems like I’m defying the Eating Disorder a little bit more. Yet it’s important that I keep doing it because I’m going to have to be able to make my own meals and be ok with that when I get discharged. I also met with my dietician who is also lovely. Again it was more of a catch up of everything that’s been going on and talking about grading things rather than just expecting myself to be able to do things instantly. She told me that it was going to take me a long time to get better from Anorexia. I know she’s right even if I don’t like it. I trust her though. I trust her judgement and her methods and how she’s trying to help me. She was my dietician last time too so that makes it easier. I can talk to her. Dinner was the hardest thing though and I’ve been sick with nerves about it for the last four days. It was a dessert that incorporated two of my main fears into lots of my other fears. I spent the whole 10 allocated minutes shaking with fear and anxiety…but I did it. I didn’t let it win and although I am trying to reign in the anxiety now, I just keep telling myself that so far it’s been two hours since I ate it and nothing terrible has happened. I think it’s working. I’m not in the midst of a panic attack so I guess I’ll take that.
Sometimes it can feel that we reach a point in our recovery and we start to fall backwards. He trip slightly but then that trip turns into a free fall with no way of stopping ourselves. The thing is though that sooner or later you do hit solid ground again and despite how horrific and painful that may feel, you still have to get up on your hands and knees and start climbing back up. You could stay down…you could give in but that is not life. That is not a place that you can make into a home.
I hope your day has been kind to you.